Witch: I don’t get it. I build an enticing candy house… Why won’t these kids eat it?
[Gestures toward her candy house which is crawling with ants]
Black cat: You got me boss
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A website for religious potato chip lovers…Christian Pringle.
I’d pay good monkey to see that!
You mean, good money?
*squints*
You hard of hearing or something?
God: And then let’s send in murder hornets
Angel: Wait, murder hornets? So they can’t go outside?
God: Not a big deal, they’re all quarantined because of Coronavirus
Angel: What if they end up allowed to go back outside?
God: Did you not just hear about the murder hornets?
Overheard, my parents, watching the World Cup:
Dad: Who are you routing for?
Mom: I’m routing for it to be over.
Wildebeest: 5 cheetahs on the horizon sir
Wildebeest Sergeant: How many men do we have?
Wildebeest: 4,000
Wildebeest Sergeant: RETREAT!
I have the attention of a goldfish.
Seriously, it’s been watching me for hours.
I tried to sign up for a streaming service, but it was not Tubi.
Accidentally drove to work w/the kids still in the car & they waited until I parked to cheer that they weren’t going to school.
Mon-1
Mom-0
When the police find my body naked and covered in chocolate, please tell them it was from a wildly kinky one night stand and not that I tripped over my cat on the way to bed with snacks
hot air balloon pilot: we’re gonna crash
me: oh no
hot air balloon pilot:
me:
hot air balloon pilot:
me:
hot air balloon pilot: aaany minute
wife *buying dinosaur balloons*
clerk: Is it someone’s birthday? *smiles at toddler*
wife: It is
clerk: How old?
wife: 35
I love to watch the look of panic on my husband’s face when I pull a pair of panties out of my drawer and say, “um, these aren’t mine.”
I love when kids are like “Ah ya gaba boo ma beeba” and their parents are like, “yes that’s right liam we DID have so much fun in New Hampshire last Fourth of July!”
Roses are red
Violets aren’t ferns
Since I’ve been with you
When I pee it burns.
Her: so you’re a teacher? What do you teach?
Me *nervous*: children
The person you are trying to stalk
Is stalking another person..
Please wait
*orders a medium pizza*
*opens box*
PIZZA: I’ve contacted your late grandmother. She wants you to know-
*eats pizza*
everyone picked up a quirky new habit during the plague i started blaming the sun for everything
My wife & I play this sexy game where she dresses up like a schoolgirl, then I dress up like a schoolgirl then we sit down & learn fractions
[someone attempts to speak to me]
ME: *to self, but at a completely audible volume* okay, remember your training
You can’t choose your family but you can choose a hitman.
The 5 signs of laziness
1.
I withdraw my argument. I didn’t realise you had a meme to back you up.
Notes to my My normal
kids teacher handwriting
Not me, making rice krispy treats at midnight because my teen forgot to tell me she needed them tomorrow.
My birth announcement for our third baby
What do you call a cow that eats your grass?
A lawn moo-er.
Nurse: Where does it hurt?
Me: *Points to heart*
Nurse: Awwww that is so cute!
Me. *COLLAPSES FROM HEART ATTACK*
All these people casually jogging down the street, and then me, looking like I’m trying to pull an invisible dog sled.
It rubs the lotion on its skin and struggles with the doorknobs again.