Kill them with kindness, you say?
*slowly and sadly puts down bazooka*
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Colorado is burning down and the next time I see one of you fuckers flick a cig out the window I’m going to ram you with my car.
I smoke in the car and the smell is in my clothes, skin, and hair but this gum will cover everything up so no one will know.
– smokers
IT’S-A ME,
i love that my tweets still say i’m tweeting from earth because i know a lot of you are tweeting straight from URANUS
I just ate some leftover mashed potatoes out of my hair, and I don’t even remember having mashed potatoes
HBO’s Cookie Monster is much darker
The best part about shopping at Trader Joes is that the cashier reacts to every item they scan like you came up with it and grew it yourself
Want air conditioning on the shuttle bus? Open a window, Your Majesty.
The most important meal of the day is the next one
I went on a date in 2003 with a lady who talked exclusively about how great she was, so I started to agree and then add fun facts about the Thundercats. She didn’t notice, but told me I was a great listener and her friends that I didn’t try to kiss her because I’m gay.
I love my kids and wouldn’t trade them for anything…
[both kids wake up sneezing]
…more than a giant bottle of hand sanitizer right about now.
My kids don’t recognize me with my mask on at school pick-ups, so I either have to dress as Waldo everyday or perform the Macarena.
One time I said “might be the alternator” when the car didn’t start because I actually don’t know anything about cars. Anyway I was quickly exposed by my wife who said “pretty sure it’s because you’re using the house key”.
I’ve spent three hours investigating this chicken and I still can’t find his nuggets.
80% of parenting is trying not to laugh when you’re supposed to be mad
The “it’s ok to use ‘disability’ as an insult as long as you’re not using it to insult a person with a physical handicap” logic. #facepalm
*Throws Pizza party
*B.Y.O.Pizza
*Gather All the pizza’s
*Kicks everyone out.
Make porridge seem more glamorous by describing it as “Oat Cuisine”.
reply and i’ll guess how many slim jims you can carry without dropping
If I ignore life will it go away?
My dog: PLAY WITH ME!
Me: *grabs toy*
My dog: not that one….. nope…..not that one either…hate that one…. never that one….what was the first one again?….still no….
Me: I am surprised at how winded I am by this exercise!!
Personal Trainer: This was the tour of the gym.
Some days driving is like Russian roulette, but with squirrels.
Maps used to say cool stuff like “Here Be Dragons.” Now they just say bullshit like “Portugal.”
After reading his last talk to text message, I’m convinced I’m married to a pirate.
Boss: For your first assignment I need 500 words about the healthcare debate by Friday
Me: *lied about going to journalism school* Oh wow ok umm
Bad
Unhealthy
Debateful
Shouty
Sadfaceemoji
Scary
Awkward
Hashtagnotgoals
Angr-
Karma is my daughter bragging about getting to sleep late this week and forgetting to turn off her alarm.
*puts on wrestling mask*
*stretches*
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*Me: Let’s do this!
Kid: It’s just thumb wrestling, lady.
Me: Bring it, loser!
As my toddlers took me down like a pride of lions, one pinning my shoulders to the floor and one biting my ear, it occurred to me that maybe we should watch less nature channel