Moving sucks because you’re expected to trash stuff you have you forgot was important. Sure I haven’t worn this t-shirt in ten years but I wore it the night Bobby fell off a roof and I got laid. You’re robbing this of me for “closet space”.
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can we normalize arguing with little kids they’re so rude 😭
Dropped my 2 year old off at daycare, put her shoes & blankie in her cubby and kissed her goodbye. I spotted her lunchbox back in my car so I took it inside. When she saw me she jumped up & grabbed her stuff to go home like she’d been there for 7 hours. My daughter is a goldfish.
mob boss: only you would bring a knife to a gun fight
me: for the cake
mob boss: what
me: Jimmy the Snitch said I’m gonna get what’s coming to me
mob boss: that’s not what I-
me: it’s my birthday
I bet the hardest part of being a server is having to wait until people’s mouths are full before asking them how the food is.
What doesn’t kill you isn’t earning the money I paid.
“I’d hit that”
-old people who drive
That 0.1% of bacteria that no household product can kill is what will inherit our earth
“You know I love that thick bottom” – me, telling my coworker about the new frying pan I got over the weekend
I wanna get HAMMERED tonight.
Seriously?
Yeah, drunk as hell, bro.
Riiight. Of course, of course. *quietly slides hammer back into sleeve*
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I used her Bourbon and Brown Sugar facial scrub on the Turkey.
Welcome to your 40’s. Now you get excited about finding your car in a parking lot.
*pulls away from kissing*
Me: Please insert 2oz of cheese to continue.
Rubbing alcohol is not as effective as drinking it.
IDEA: UberQuiet. You pay a little bit more but your driver never says a word to you.
Don’t hate me cause I’m beautiful, hate me cause I stole your lunch out of the office fridge
My family doesn’t have a swear jar, but we do have a totes perf jar. If you say totes or perf, we throw a jar at you
You can’t scare me. You’re not my husband holding my credit card over the shredder.
massive power vacuum on bluesky atm and i aim to fill it
When you get to my age, your milkshake still brings boys to the yard, but they’re like “I’m lactose intolerant.”
My son said if a baby comes out feet first technically it wears its mom as a hat and I can’t unsee this.
I used to think I could control ducks with my mind but it turns out ducks & I just have very similar ideas about what stuff ducks should do
Fiction has to make sense.
It’s the little things that show you care. When she makes my sammich I always ask her if she wants a bite.
When I walk for a short period each day in the woods, if I pass someone a few yards away I make a point in speaking and smiling at them. That ensures they move on quickly.
Ah, quarantine. But first, I will meet up with 500 people at the grocery store to fight over beans.
“I can’t eat all of that!”
… and other lies I tell
He died doing what he loved.
Taking a french fry off my plate.
[leaving a birthday party with my piñata friend] i swear i didn’t know they were going to do that
“Just take me home”
This married couple was eating dinner, he meant to ask his wife for salt, but What came out was, I hate you stupid Bitch you ruined my life