Walks you into the bedroom.
Stands you up straight against the wall.
*you notice the sign that says “You must be this tall to ride this guy”
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My favorite part of yard work is running over a toy with the lawnmower and watching it shoot across the yard. Never gets old
My 4yo just shut the bathroom door on me while I was inside and told me I was in jail. So I locked the door. I love this game.
“Nope. Nope. Yeah right. Nope. Close! Nah. Nope. Almost! Hahaha, you’re terrible at this.” – piece of popcorn stuck between teeth.
A woman was charged with stalking after sending 65,000 text messages.
Which one of you was it?
“I can’t feel my legs”
–mermaids
*Poltergeist tosses dishes out of the cabinet, rips the chandelier from the ceiling, pulls and severs the WiFi router from the wall, then screams like a banshee as it flies down the hallway*
13 Year Old Son: I’m bored.
me: *rubs lamp*
genie: I will grant you three wishes
me: can you go away I’m rubbing this lamp
Use helium in your air guitar to hit those extra high notes.
Me: The house is a disaster. We all need to clean.
8-year-old: Who’s coming over?
Me: No one. We’re cleaning for us.
8: But we already know we live like this.
Therapist: I think you both suffer from Münchausen syndrome
Hansel and Gretel: [mouths full of gingerbread and gumdrops] why?
Saw someone from high school. She said she hadn’t seen me in years. That’s likely because I’d always seen her first.
Calling someone unconventionally attractive is so funny like yeah you’re kind of busted but I can bravely see the beauty in you due to my Open Mind
Me: ‘Alcohol only kills the weakest brain cells.’
Also Me: *parks car in neighbor’s driveway*
“One of you will betray me” is such a dramatic thing to say at dinner????
“Platitude” is short for “platypus attitude”.
me(being given hot dog factory tour): so if i fell in this vat & died it would pretty much taste the same
tour guide: almost certainly keith
Why do we need to learn History? George Washington didn’t need it and he was a King.
Me: I only want two strips of bacon.
Buffet bacon: Have this clump of 87 pieces of bacon.
Sometimes I like to purchase every item on a person’s Amazon wish list for myself and then let them know I’m living their best life
Judge: Your charge is burning down your neighbors house
Me: Your Honor they hung baskets of plastic flowers on their porch!
J: Not Guilty!
Traffic was at a standstill until some guy heroically got out of his car, stared into the distance and threw his hands up in disgust. It started moving after that.
Aliens? Wake me up when something important happens, like a new pasta shape
I think my girlfriend is a serial killer you guys…she wakes up and makes the bed in the morning
*wakes up in hospital*
What happened?
“It was a heart attack”
Will I be ok?
*a big heart outside slowly taps on window with a bat*
“No”
Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?
Stuck in traffic? We have the solution for you… Call customer service so all your vulgarities aren’t wasted.
I find it hilarious that this ant is pretending like he doesn’t care that I can kill him with one finger. Yea okay, keep walking tough guy.
My little toaster: *catches on fire*
Me: Coward.
“I’m the only cop on the force who can play the bassoon dammit” “Not anymore” New cop in sunglasses walks in, just killing it on the bassoon
Cashier: Did you find everything?
Me: Did you hide something?