A cartoon by Sam Gross from 1998, in honor of our 90th Anniversary Book of Cartoons:
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“Valentine’s Day is overrated and presents aren’t necessary to show love”
– *people who don’t get anything for Valentine’s Day
*me
5 SECONDS AGO!
What do we want?
TIME TRAVEL JOKES!
When do we want them?
We have a big clock on the wall of our living room and now my toddler, who can’t say her L’s very well, loves pointing out other “big clocks” everywhere we go
My wife’s upset at me I’m going to cheer her up and ask 9YO to play hot cross buns on the recorder
“Man did I just waste $7?”
-Vampire in the carnival Hall of Mirrors.
EMERGENCY!!! THERE’S A NEW ONE!!!!!
5-year-old: *pretending to be a T-rex* I’m going to eat you.
7-year-old: You can’t. It’s Lent.
Them: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Yes.
I just posted a selfie and people told me to get well soon.
I can never understand what our accent chair is saying.
The problem with the Met Gala is you can’t stop picturing all the assistants having the worst month of their lives.
I’ve got these gifted children and I want to know how long it is before I can re-gift them.
Him: you know, a baby deliverer…
Me: you mean my OBGYN or the stork?
Why was E the only letter in the alphabet to get a Christmas present?
Because the rest were not-E.
[Prehistoric times]
Mom: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDaughter: So I gather
Dear student loan, thank you for saving my life. I can’t think how I can ever repay you.
I can’t believe I got kicked out of chess club. I didn’t realize there were rules, I just thought the pieces fought like action figures. I shouldn’t have brought Wolverine.
[GOD CREATING BEES]
G: Super important
A: k
G: And their spit tastes delicious.
A….k
G: But they’re so *clenches fists* angry
“Would it have killed you to brush my hair once in a while?”
-my daughter going through old photo albums
*gazing up at stars*
Her (whispering): is that the Big Dipper?
Me (a barista): actually the technical term for it is Venti Dipper
friend: don’t look but that girl is checking you out
me: [turning around] who
Medusa: hey
friend: I said don’t look
statue:
Accidentally called my therapist mom again. He was not pleased.
[McDonald’s]
CUSTOMER: small coke please
WORKER: for the same price you can get every single thing in the world
CUSTOMER: oh
WORKER: so do you want that
CUSTOMER: yes
WORKER: what else
AOL has been hacked. Users have also been asked to check their Atari settings for possible compromise.
Me: do you like piña coladas?
Date: yes
Me: *marking chart*
Human Robot
——————————
|Me: and getting caught in the rain?
Date: not really
Me: *eyes narrow*
If they served grilled cheese sandwiches at communion, I’d go to church more often.
I realize that choosing a pasta can be a confusing and difficult decision, but for the love of all that is holy, move your cart to the side.
if the groundhog comes out without a mask its 6 more months of quarantine
WIFE: you forgot to run the dishwasher again, didn’t you?
ME: [drinking milk from a flower vase] no, why?
*rolls up sleeves*
*gets high on sleeves*