me: *applies to cult*
cult: no thx
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“I’m not really a big dog person.” – lying werewolf
A lot of folks out there missing the point…
2020 is vacuuming a penny, then a quarter, then a cat.
quick poll: why’d you break up with me in high school Alison
Girlfriend: Did you get all the dishes?
Her (actual) boyfriend: I think so
Me: *from the bushes outside* You missed a cup, Todd
when all of your friends are at a bar that doesn’t allow you inside because one time you brought a sword in there
Lol.. The Parrot is sticking to the code and won’t talk… Lol… I’m done.
I want to see Taylor Swift and Rupi Kaur fight each other.
i haven’t been able to stop thinking about this for days… what did he mean… what does he know
WIFE: Not your eyes! You dont have to prove it anymore
GUY WHO CLAIMS HE PUTS HOT SAUCE ON EVERYTHING: *thru tears* I made a commitment babe
The reason that aliens have never visited us is because our solar system has received terrible reviews.
We only have one star.
God: You’re beautiful. Aren’t you?
Peacock: Yes. Thanks for creating me.
God: *Starts giggling*
Peacock: What’s so funny, god? Why are you laughing?
God: you’re called peacock. *Bursts into laugh*
Peacock: WHAT THE FFUU..
God: And you cant speak.
[Incoherent bird noise]
God: So I was, all, what if there was a fish made of jelly? Like, jelly but alive and in the sea? LOL
[angels look nervously at one another]
That time hackers stole my nudes and returned them.
Def Leppard is short for Definitely Can’t Spell Leopard
Judge: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
Defendant: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
J: Stop that.
D: Stop that.– repeat offenders
ME: You coming to the party?
FRIEND: Will it be rad?-
M: -ish.
F: I guess I’ll come.
[Later at the radish party]
F: I think I misunderstood
Sometimes I regret teaching my children an evidence-based approach to life #FathersDay
I remember a story about a girl with a broken leg, and a boy who told her not to fight the pain but instead to gently ride its waves until she could actually see the pain far away beneath her, so she hit him with a rock.
*Googles Yahoo*
Google: Wow. I’m right here
“My parents refuse to photoshop me onto an athlete so I can get into college” #SpoiledKidsComplaints
“so she’s gay now?”
yeah she turned in all the paperwork last week and her acceptance letter came this morning, it was all pretty sudden
still think about that time in high school when the track team captain printed out a list of people who owed money for team shirts and forgot to pick it up after class. she got called down to the principal’s office because it was titled “People Who Have to Pay”
Boss: Why do you look so sad?
Me: I actually paid a college hundreds of thousands of dollars so I could do this
It is truly easier to forgive your enemies than figure out how to limit their access to your facebook page.
her: i love bad boys
me: [trying to impress] my mom has no idea where i am
I remember one time I caught my ex talking to some dude in an indie band and was telling him she’s sad and she said something along the lines of “my boyfriend is a musician (me) and hasn’t once made a song about me or how he loves me” like bro I play the drums wtf lol
Finally cleans my toaster tray
Finds the map to the lost city of Arzkab
Cop: This spot is for frog parking only
Me: Oh yeah. What are you gonna do about it?
*gets toad*
You know people ask “how are you still single” to singles? It’d be funny if we started saying “how are you still married” to married people