You think you have it rough, try driving with two Pringles cans on your hands
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me: are we there yet? are we there yet? are we there yet?
cop: if you don’t shut up I’ll turn this car around and none of us are going to jail
For Christmas my wife gave me a coupon for “Swimming with Sharks.”
I got her a coupon for “Bungee Jumping.”
We both have a death wish or we have been together too long.
When you go to the movies first thing you need to do is pour a drink in the seat in front of you so nobody can sit there..
[During lull in conversation at party]
ME: Do you think you’re closer to your own birth or your own death? Let’s go around the room.
I’m not an expert but still waiting for the day that I will actually use x²+y+8[(x+2y² = a-z]+2x³+(-2z = 2.4)+10y-5Z³ = k= 9 in real life.
My kid set up a play office then kicked me out so he could have a meeting, which…I mean…fair enough
*puts on headphones
*cranks “Eye of the Tiger”
*downs energy drink
*laces up Nikes
*runs out into 13° weather
*runs back inside
*Naps
My life these days is basically the “before” segment of an infomercial for a revolutionary new mop.
America: OH MY GOD. Some guy got shot in Ferguson.
World: We’re kinda busy with the 191,000 deaths from the Syrian Civil War
BOUNCER FOR A COOL BAR: password?
Me: Midnight77
BOUNCER: great *grabs a poster board collage* now which one of these doesn’t contain a stop sign
If you’re riding a bike in New York City it means you care about your health …. Riding one here in Tennessee it means you got a DUI.
marie kondo: does this object bring you joy?
me, looking longingly at a piece of scrap metal in the basement that i could possibly use for something someday: hell yeah it does
[Marriage Counseling]
Wife: He’s always messing up even the simplest phrases.
Me: I THOUGHT we were gonna keep that on the download…
BBC crime shows on Netflix:
– Inspector Grimpenchester
– The Hangman’s Ax
– Get Me Bumblry!
– Miss Lettie Pennyfeather’s Detective Concern
My youngest just learned that he and his older brother have the same last name. He said, “You mean you never told me this?!” 😆
“Can I copy your homework?”
“Sure, just change a few things so it’s not that obvious.”
“Ok.”
I’ve done hundreds of crossword puzzles over the years, but just this morning I noticed they provide clues.
Daughter just wandered in after being put to bed and I hid the ice cream I was eating like it was a joint.
In the old days if you wanted to hit snooze you had to shoot the rooster with a tranq dart that lasted exactly 9 minutes
Social media is great. Before Facebook I’d never know what the girl who wrote “dirty Jew” on my 8th grade locker was thankful for this year.
“We’ll see” is Parentese for “No.”
DETROIT: im doing a secret show at 8pm tonigt at a small club dowmtown! mesage me for details!!!
ME: omg a talkimg city
by milkshake she means trash and by boys she means raccoons and it’s a real problem in that neighborhood
Actually cracking up @ this
The way time stretches between the moment you put your hands under the air dryer and the realisation it is in fact a paper towel dispenser.
My cat just brought me my purse and car keys not sure what he’s trying to tell me.
Told my mom I was frustrated with my kid and she reminded me when I was two I flushed an entire box of tampons down the toilet in the Chicago winter and froze the pipes and honestly why is she making this about her?
Walking my dog we saw a guy in a suit walking his dog and I know my dog is thinking I don’t dress nice for him anymore.
[the last supper]
Waiter: ok, your bill comes to 30 pieces of silver
Judas: I got this
Received dm of the day
No, I don’t want to experience a “typhoon” on your waterbed.