Received an email that my “services are no longer needed effective immediately” & “good luck on your future endeavors”. Frankly I think my wife should have told me in person.
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I did squats today. Mostly because I was hiding from a coworker.
Having to shovel is so rude. It’s like I have to clean up after the earth, too?
It’s payday!! Time to splurge! Time to indulge! Time to blow it all on *checks notes* an Adequate Amount Of Groceries
[first date]
me: are you a reader?
date: omg i love reading
me: [handing her my menu] thank god
me: *accidentally cuts off a car while merging*
[20 minutes later]
me: *tapping on their window as they shift to park in their driveway* hey is everything ok between us
fav for leaf bucket
RT for hot oil starch sticks
I decided to jog in place at a stoplight and got some really strange looks.
I should’ve just stayed in the car.
Got tired of my kids asking to go to the beach every single day so this week for family movie night, I’ve decided the kids are finally old enough to watch Jaws
Honestly, Officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over had I known you were just going to criticize me
“Let the jerk-off begin!”
As the other contestants begin seasoning their meats I look at my bottle of lotion and realize I’ve misunderstood
What idiot named her Miley Cyrus’ grandma and not Nana Montana.
Just ruined my dad’s night by texting pics of a bird he can’t positively ID
DMV: Please make an appointment for faster service.
Also DMV: Your appointment means nothing. Sit & wait, peasant.
Why do people say tunafish, rather than just tuna?
Is that to differentiate from the tunacow and tunagiraffe?
the new york sewer rats have finally elected a new rat pope
My wife says “Don’t walk away when I’m talking to you” when 1. she’s not talking, she’s yelling, and 2. I’m not walking away, I’m retreating
If I eat healthy today then I can have one piece of candy as a reward. If I eat unhealthy, then I can have the whole bag.
watching silence of the lambs, when i saw it as a teenager it was obviously a film about a cannibal killer guy but watching it again now it’s about a woman being leered at by creepy guys from all angles except the psycho killer guy who is genuinely interested in her as a person
My siblings and me have a tradition where we all put in $100 to give to whoever’s birthday it is. So since it’s 6 of us, on each of our birthdays we get $500 to celebrate. Today is my little brothers 30th birthday and he texted us at 5am for his money lol
There’s a new trend in China where people make and eat spiceless “white people lunch”, as form of self torture.
And their commentary has me crying 😭
This dude forgot to put tomatoes on my sandwich. Thanks, “artist”. Now I have nothing to pick off.
[putting on wedding dress]
me: I feel like I’m making a big mistake
maid of honor: yes the bride should be wearing that
The difference between running and jogging is that runners compete in races and joggers find dead bodies on Law and Order
We took the animals for a walk and saw a sign: ‘Dogging area, please control your animal and pick up their faces…’
Autocorrect changed “morning” too “mignon” and now, I want some steak.
If the One Ring had been a kitten then Sauron would have spent the whole book trying to find his kitten, sending whole armies out to look for it, while the fellowships heroic quest involved throwing a kitten in a volcano. Makes you think
Baltimore’s chief export seems to be artisanal crime narrative.
9 was yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc he couldn’t do his maths homework so I sat down with him to help and now 9 and I are both yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc we can’t do his maths homework
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a veterinarian
Me: thank you for your service
Date: veterinarian not veteran
Me: ok but still