what if in airbud they put the dog in and they didnt win that coach would feel stupid
You Might Also Like
Would you rather fight an army of duck billed platypuses or one human sized super duck billed platypus? These are the questions that keep me up at night.
A no carb diet can make you detached, remote and standoffish so occasionally you should eat aloof of bread.
Advice for life:
1. Be kind.
2. Be brave.
3. Make sure your garage door is all the way up before backing out.
A horror story:
You are enjoying a quiet night with a glass of wine on the couch when, suddenly, the phone rings.
That’s it that’s the whole story.
Getting old is not fun. Sometimes I have to check my texts, photos and ring camera when someone asks me what I did yesterday
To: ALL STAFF
Subject: FW: RE: RE: FW: FW: FW: RE: RE: FW: RE: RE: FW: FW: How to Effectively Use the E-Mail Subject Line
Me: [Has only ever touched a gun once in my life]
Me every time I’m at the airport: oh no what if I accidentally packed a gun
Me: *drops mic*
Mic’s parents: OUR BABY!
A dead goose is called a ghoost
ME: Is this the “new normal”?
SECURITY: No you always had to wear pants in the store
What’s the most ridiculous rule you’ve seen a HOA enforce? Mine was the neighbour who got told off for growing the wrong kind of lavender
The Internet is like my My Brain – filled with shopping and porn
Cashier: your total comes to $59
Guy who forgets which numbers are funny: heheh nice
[ asteroid approaching earth ]
me: *slapping baseball mitt*
BOSS: You all get 1 floating holiday
COWORKER: I’m taking Earth Day off
ME: [knowing a day on Venus is 243 Earth days] I’ll take Venus Day
“Sorry, we can’t sell you one jalapeño for 35 cents. But we can sell you a plastic-wrapped styrofoam tray with 8 jalapeños on it for $2.99. Then you can use the one jalapeño you need, and let the rest go moldy in the fridge for a couple weeks before you toss them out.”
Marie Kondo: Ask yourself if it sparks joy?
Me: [looks at daughter’s bedroom and throws the entire room out]
I’ll do anything for you as long as I don’t have to get out of this chair.
(during sex)
Her: Make me scream
Me: *let’s loose tarantula on her chest*
As a man of means, I eat expensive beans.
As a man of class, I blame dogs for the gas.
As a man of men, I eat the beans again…
SOMEBODY: she had a boyfriend who looked like that girlfriend that you had in february of last year
ME: what the hell are you talking about
Pac-Man gave me very unrealistic expectations about my ability to run away from ghosts.
Schrödinger: you see, there’s no way of knowing if the cat is alive or dead
Box: *violently shakes and hisses*
Schrödinger: … it’s a paradox
Box: *screeches threateningly*
Welcome to parenthood. The expression “slept like a baby” doesn’t mean what you think it means.
My neighbor has a couple of cameras on her house, every time I go past I wave at her through the camera, she told me the other day she gives me the finger.
Guess who’s got 7 thumbs and a a set of keys to a cadaver lab?
“Dad, these glasses make everything look much bigger!”
*Snatches glass and hands to my wife
So can we start calling them Traylor now?
My daughter: Can I go to my friend’s house?
Me: Take your phone & text me every 20 minutes to tell me you’re okMe when I was 10: I’m off to the abandoned quarry with my pals
Mum: Dinner’s at 5
waking up with a headache was not the pounding I was hoping for