At what point in listening to your kid whine can you say, “Sorry. This relationship isn’t working out. You should start seeing other moms.”
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Tried a sample of rosemary mint body wash today and now I smell like a very clean roast chicken.
i hear the new batman movie is so long because there’s a scene where bruce wayne withdraws the entirety of his bank account but he asks for it all in ones and then counts it all while facing the camera
AGENT SCULLY: someone got diarrhea so bad they had to land the plane
AGENT MULDER: [tosses file on her desk] ever hear of the diarrhea alien?
My son told me tonight I was the best mom in the world. I couldn’t be happier.. even though he’s a cat, and actually didn’t say that. But I know he’s thinking it.
If anyone on the street asks for directions – give directions to YOUR house. Then run home, put on music and wait for your new best friend!
On the bright side, when wearing a face mask, I pick my nose in public much less often.
Inspirational Tweet:
Found the sock gone missing 7 weeks ago in today’s clean laundry.
Sometimes they come back, people. Keep the faith.
[married people conversations]
Wife: babe, what’s the guys name from that movie we watched on Netflix that one time?
Me: Joseph Gordon-Levitt.
Wife: that’s it! thanks!
Found a YouTube channel that’s just French women smoking cigarettes so this is my last tweet.
No thanks. If I wanted flaky I’d date a pie crust.
You can’t make everyone happy.
You’re not cheese.
Me: I’m single – I can eat beans whenever I like
Also me: why am I still single
Explaining email to a time traveler: It’s like a mail but I get it on my device. For example *pointing at American Red Cross email* this person asks me for some of my blood, every day.
Me: you have a bug on your shoulder
Doug: a what?
Me: *clears throat* a boug
Just reported my neighbors to Belgian authorities because they have a dog named Waffle.
everybody’s a toughguy until they have to use a screwdriver overhead for two minutes
one of my favorite Halloween memories was trick or treating and a very stoned dude in his 20’s opened the door and was like “oh man I forgot it was today. Let me see if I have anything for you” and then I hear him going through his pantry and he goes “do you like soup”
*Beats guy over the head with celery.*
Stalking is hard.
Today’s Generation: “Omg my parents never let me have anything.” via iPhone.
Every time you ask a woman about pregnancy or childbirth she’ll go “Oh it wasn’t so bad, I was actually really lucky. All that happened was—“ and then tell the most terrifying story you’ve ever heard.
All generalizations are stupid.
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on.
If I were a hairdresser, my business cards would say, “I’ll cut you.”
If Popeye ate escargots instead of spinach would he be known as Popeye the snailor man?
#SpinachDay
“I’m sure this happens every time a famous person dies but I wanted to see if the library had any of his CDs.”
“You mean like… music CDs?”
“Yeah. By Shane MacGowan? The Pogues?”
“Oh thank goodness, I thought you were talking about Henry Kissinger.”
Nobody ever writes about Moby Niceguy.
me: yay, i’m getting to bed on time!
my brain: let’s obsess over how you’ll protect your children if you’re at the beach during a tsunami
He died doing what he loved, surprising tigers.
I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5
Friend graduated Harvard this weekend, but last night I got a 95/100 from the c-pap.