“We’ll call you” – OH NO
“You call us” – OH NO
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You have CrossFit, I bathe 3 children in one evening.
I just saw a woman on here that had looking for a faithful man in her bio. Looks like you’ve come to the right place
Young man cashier: Ma’am, if you don’t mind me saying, you have really beautiful eyes.
What I heard: Ma’am
At any given time, I know more about the whereabouts of my Amazon packages than I do any member of my extended family.
[me holding a door]
PRETTY GIRL: [over her shoulder] thanks.
ME: sorry, i’m married, but in time you’ll get over me.
Dads watch golf because they know no one will join them
You only hear about go-go boots. I’d buy the shit out of some stay-stay boots. I stay more than I go. Finally some boots that fit my lifestyle and whatnot.
Spilling your powder while wearing black isn’t the worst thing that could happen to you in the morning.
It’s definitely up there though.
Rt to bother an English speaker
Me: Will you marry me?
Her: No
Backing singers: She said no! she said no!
Me: Not now
Kids playing baseball in the backyard really hits home. Usually on a window.
Thanks for warning me to be careful after I slipped & fell. I’ll be sure to wish you luck on your lab test results at your funeral.
What do you mean normal people don’t remove their pants to eat dinner
Aw! She reminds me of me when I was in college!
Painting safety tip :
When house painting from a ladder,
never step back to admire your work.
ME: [sitting in kitchen writing out bills]
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow tonight.
ME: I’d wait until next week.
My son just asked me if I could take a picture of him while he sleeps so he could see the little z’s that come out of your nose when you sleep.
me: can i get a big mac
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: sorry can i get a big mac, your majesty
*shows up at your hot dog convention wearing nothing but mustard and a smile.
Truth
I call loading the dishwasher “quantum physics” because no one else in this house knows how to do that either.
My 5-year-old was pretend playing and she said to herself, “I’m super old, I’m 36” And I sent her to her room because the disrespect.
Nobody:
My possessed doll at 3 am: [laughs in Seth Rogen]
Saving my good tweets for marriage
I just broke a mirror disco ball, I’m not looking forward to my 5,600 years of bad luck
And then she accused me of oversharing. Can you believe that?
Drive thru cashier:
Me: You’re going to prison?
My French accountant: Oui
Me: WE are going to prison?
I hate to get all political but unity begins with universal cell phone chargers