Kids don’t like to go to bed, and that’s how you know that they’re stupid.
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Saturday
If you don’t want to marry me, why did you sit next to me on this bus?
“you have some nerve” yeah idiot i have like 7 trillion in me
My favorite machine at the gym is the water fountain.
I cannot stop laughing at this
Dear neighbors, I am not killing my child. I’m washing her hair. Only she sees it the other way.
I love getting phone calls telling me I won a prize for a contest I didn’t enter 🙄
Would you PLEASE stop being so damn THIRSTY??
My car:
[being murdered]
Me: You’re going to somehow ruin this, aren’t you?
Me: NO!
Him: What? I haven’t even said anything
Me: Oh, you looked like you were about to
what happens if the bachelor chooses to love himself
going to red lobster does anyone need any red lobsters
I met my wife through a mutual friend. Despite being together for 18 years, married for 14, in my head sometimes I still refer to her as “Alan’s friend”.
I just heard that most of the babies recently born in New Zealand take a moment to look around then loudly say, “Ohhh, HELL YEAH!”
Some say the glass is half empty. Some say it’s half full. I ask “Are you going to finish that?”.
People laugh cause I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?
WIFE: [handing me crying baby] will u please change him
ME: ok
[drives to hospital]
ME: hi yes my baby is crying can i get a new one
SO SPEAKETH THE OUIJA BOARD, “N E W N U M B E R W H O I S T H I S”
Break the ice when sending business emails by being the first to use a poop emoji
When I’m in an elevator with a stranger I generally hold their hand to let them know that they’re safe
The inventor of perforated paper has died.
RIP
Can i borrow your truck?
Me: no problem just read the dashboard
My phone encourages me to get exercise, monitors my heart rate and tells me when to go to bed.
I think it’s one of the most nurturing relationships I’ve ever had.
BANK EMPLOYEE:
*chasing me*
sir! you can’t leave with that!
ME: *running w/ a pen w/ a chain still attached*
I BROUGHT IT WITH ME FROM HOME!
The only life secret I’m not telling my children when they move out is the address to my new home
Me at 22: you can find me in da club 🎶
Me at 42: you can find me in da tub 🛁
*listening to music at the beach*
6yo: Dad, can you play Baby Shark?
Me: No, I don’t have that song I can’t play it.
6yo: You can play it you just don’t want to hear it so you’re lying.
Me: That is correct, yes.
I’m THIS MANY drunk!!
*holds up waffle*
“Please be aware that this call may be recorded for training purposes”
-companies that obviously provide no training
Me: How did Bruce and Alfred build the Batcave all by themselves?
The Lord: I meant any questions about the mysteries of existence