Them: Alcohol is not a healthy coping mechanism.
Me: Okay but when I tried to keep a therapist in the cupboard above the fridge I got in trouble so…
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[in bed]
her: u have done this before, right?
me: yes, of course. measure twice, cut once
her: what?
me: what?
My supervisor said I’m worth my weight in gold so I’m eating these donuts to increase my value.
Why do we call it toilet paper? Does anyone wipe their toilet with it?
My inability to pronounce Spanish names makes me sad, and I’m not even Jaoquin.
Time is said to be a great healer, which is presumably why the waiting lists are so long.
You look so comfortable in your own skin. Could I try it on?
The person you are trying to stalk
Is stalking another person..
Please wait
I am on a diet. This is just my cheat decade
Me: 4, watch this! *eats hard boiled egg in one bite*
4, unamused: Now do it with the shell on.
Good cop “If you confess maybe we can cut you some sort of deal…”
Crab cop *walks sideways off the table*
Therapist: Do you have a support system?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
Therapist: No, I mean a family, friends?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
See a penny, pick it up, then all day you just have a dirty penny in your pocket
My husband keeps texting me he loves me and that i’m hot, what a weirdo like calm down pal, we’re married
I would love my job so much more if I didn’t have to hide my flask.
My wife wants me to stay on twitter because she doesn’t want me to tell her 10 jokes a day.
Me: *types* “Stupid auto correct loves making me look like an idiot.”
*Autocorrects to* “You’re doing a good job of that yourself.”
*makes airplane noise*
*swings arm around*
*slides chapstick across your chapped lips*
People who say “teamwork makes the dream work” are the reason that some people want to punch other people in the face.
I lie in the bath for hours.
But I try to tell the truth the rest of the time.
My wife tried imitating the weird groaning sound her car is making, and all three auto mechanics asked her out.
Keep finding mysterious rocks in the pockets of my 6 y/o’s sweatshirt after school.
Can’t tell whether she’s starting a collection or planning a 1st Grade Shawshank Redemption.
My autobiography will be a single piece of paper that says ‘Ugh’
Him: [sneezes]
Germs: ATTACK!
Her: bless you
Germs: RETREAT RETREAT
The recipe said “prick with a fork,” but enough about me.
Me: I was bitten by a Karen at Starbucks, will I become a Werekaren!?
ER Dr: No, we’ll just need to..
Me: I WANT TO SPEAK TO YOUR MANAGER!
Me: What were you and daddy just laughing about?
9: You
Me: What about me?
9: You won’t think its as funny as we do
Chris Pratt is my favorite actor whose name sounds like if a rodent fell in the McDonald’s deep fryer
Dating a drug dealer in ur early adulthood is absolute necessary character development
*takes coffee from hot barista
*makes eye contact
*smiles
*winks
*sips scalding coffee“Thankth, thexy! Theeya!”
*walks outside
*screams