Iron: you’re always trying to turn me into something I’m not!
Blacksmith:
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Am I smarter than a 5th grader?
…No. Probably not.BUT, am I funnier than a 5th grader?
…Also no.BUT, BUT could I win in an arm wrestling match against a 5th grader?
…I don’t wanna play this game anymore.
“You can eat 50% of a mermaid before you’re considered a cannibal.”
My kid, using homeschool math during social distancing
I don’t give a damn what the horoscopes say, get you a girl born in February. Amethyst is one of the cheaper birthstones and if you play your cards right you can do one of those Birthday-Valentine’s Day combo celebrations.
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take”
Obituary: died of Malaria, Small Pox, Polio, & the flu
I would definitely deny being from here if the aliens pulled up and asked. Not claiming this embarrassing planet in front of intergalactic travellers, are you dumb?
When I die, throw me on Mt. Everest so it looks like I was trying to do something.
[Batman villain naming meeting]
Ok, name the guy who asks all the riddles.
“The Riddler?”
GENIUS! OK, how about the woman dressed as a cat?
Slot twist: That USB drive goes in the other way. Turn it over
1) Throw a ball of yarn into a fencing battle 2) Wait until the fight is over 3) Retrieve your fully-knitted sweater
My son is taking a bartending class at college so I think I’m finally going to start seeing a return on my investment.
Friend is going bungee jumping so I told him he was born because of a broken rubber and he could die the same way. He didn’t laugh…
My son: I need a nap, I’m so tired.
Me: Aw buddy – didn’t sleep good last night?
My son: no, I just couldn’t sleep in class today like I usually do.
Me:
Since summer is almost over here’s a list of all the places I got to visit:
1. Work
It’s good to know that if I’m ever being interrogated, a mosquito bite on the back of my ankle is what would finally break me.
LIFE HACK: Make your waist feel dramatically smaller by accidentally trying on maternity pants.
Fun to hear newscasters, while their chopper hovers over an active crime scene, scold people “the last thing the police need is spectators”
My newest passion is making up sex positions when weird dudes ask my favorite. I’m a big fan of the Flying Lacrosse Kick, but I also really like the Tightrope Nanny.
These covid masks work wonders for us butterfaces.
I work with some really great people. They’re reliable, they’re honest and they never cause any problems. I don’t fit in at all.
And in that moment, the Ninja Turtles realized that in a way, ALL teenagers are mutants.
I scream. You scream. We all scream. I’m not supposed to be at this slumber party.
Vampire: I can bite you…
Me: Sweet!
Vampire: … and give you eternal life!
Me: Stop threatening me!
I could probably survive about a week in the wilderness eating only the food I spill on my shirt any given day.
Alcohol is generally the answer. Especially when the question is ‘why can’t I remember what the question is?’
5 yo- *being incredibly loud and obnoxious* I’m trying to bother that fly because maybe he will get annoyed and die.
Apparently I am the fly.
Welcome to parenthood. Have you ever wondered what it would be like if a day was 3267 hours long?
[on the phone]
me: i let the cat out of the bag
sis: what??
me: …too early at the vet and she hid under the desk
sis: oh phew
me: then i spilled the beans
sis: what?!
me: …all over the floor at dinner
sis: omg ok
me: also i told mum you’re pregnant okiloveyoubye
Ladies, if he:
– doesn’t introduce you to his parents
– never calls you back
– has four feet
– smells like potato chips
– could easily be mistaken for a loaf of breadthat’s my pug, you’re dating my pug
[At Adele Concert]
Adele: Hello from the other siiiiiide
Me (shouting): Tell us your surname