Tax tip: Even if it’s true, never list your dog as head of household. They’ll roll over under audit.
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Remember back in the good old days when someome looked at you wrong, all you had to do was call them a witch and POOF problem solved
[Prison visit]
Me: I finally have a date for my execution
GF: WHO IS SHE
“Don’t put your brother in the fridge” is something I never thought I’d say, yet here I am.
The opposite of a vegan is a Texan
Desire to not get beat up > Desire to wear a cloak
I feel like I’ve been drinking water since the day I was born. When does it end? Like get over it blood I’ve given you plenty
Ours was an impossible friendship. You were a squirrel with no identifiable markings and I could never be sure if you were you.
If I’m murdered, I hope I’m able to write out the killer’s name in blood and then “sucks” underneath
Hate it when all of Asia tells me that I exaggerate things.
#SexEdWontTeachYou how to deal with idiots…
*guitarist breaks guitar*
HELL YEAH
*drummer throws drums*
YES YES
*singer stabs a bunch of guys*
OH MY GOD
*bassist plants a bomb*
STOP
I made quiche, like a real grown-up. I feel like Tom Hanks in Castaway when he makes fire… I HAVE MADE QUICHE!
nothing kills high school nostalgia faster than a scroll down your facebook feed
*pours wine*
*sprinkles rose petals*
*dims lights*
*puts on Barry White*
*lights candles*
*burns incense*
*arranges scented oils*
*opens private tab in browser*
Fellas, here’s a flirting tip: If a girl plays with her hair while taking to you, it means she has lice and you should stay away from her.
“Listen, Barbara, I’ll be at my sister’s until you can get your shit together. Please don’t forget to water the plants.”
ME: my wife and I do this cute thing where we finish each other’s sentences
WARDEN: no
nothing says 2019 like when you group text your family from the bathroom to bring you toilet paper
You sound unhinged. Let’s go get mugshots.
protagonist: tag you’re it
antagonist: no you’re it
pennywise: are you kidding me?
Everyone buries their problems in different ways.
I bury them alive because killing people is wrong.
You don’t know shit about pressure until you’re the only Black person on the dance floor while white people clap & form a circle around you.
“911, how may I help you?”
“Quickly, pretend like you’re my girlfriend”
“Sir, this is for emergen–”
“AAAAW I LOVE YOU TOO HONEY‘!”
I’ll be so happy when 2020 is over in a few years
Fears: dying alone, getting horribly maimed or disfigured, people who stick their tongue out in photos
Sure the blue urinal cakes LOOK delicious but I’ve learned my lesson
First Date:
Him: So, are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: (already cleaning him with my tongue)
*opens briefcase and presentation about 9/11 conspiracies falls out*
But that means
[cut to my son giving presentation about cool dinosaurs]
Treadmills:
The only thing worse than running, is running and going nowhere.
I do not hit my children. However, I do text them in complete sentences with capitalization and punctuation, which is apparently equally aggressive.