I believe the plural is “milves.”
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Teacher: Write what you know.
Student: *writes “what you know.”*
[first day of quidditch practice]
Remember kids, witches get snitches.
Neighbors had a DJ and massive sound system in their back yard, played until after midnight. They are going to love what I’m doing at 6am tomorrow.
I keep the peace. As a hoarder, I keep pretty much everything.
Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.
Setting up a funeral business from scratch is quite the undertaking
The Untrained Meteorologist is a classic
🤣🤣🤣🤣
that’s exactly what a van without puppies would say
Him: You were supposed to do something about the groundhog under the deck.
Me: I did. I named him Lord Melbourne. He likes Cocoa Puffs.
“Do you have at least 15 tattoos?” – final question at interview to work in a kitchen in 2013
HER: I still think you made up that word just so you could win at Scrabble
ME: that’s ridictacular
The cast of Big Brother in Germany doesn’t know about covid-19 and they’re gonna tell them in a live TV special. I have to learn German by tomorrow.
Me: I’ll get a cappuccino and a furtado
Barista: What’s a furtado?
Me: It’s like a bird
Absence does not make the heart grow fonder.
Unless you’re talking about Oreos.
Im not dating any guy with hair longer than mine. I refuse to compete for pretty hair.
[emergency room]
NURSE: It seems you’ve swallowed an abacus?
ME: She told me it’s what’s on the inside that counts
WIFE: I hate you
Never turn your back while kids are in the bath.
Drown shmown!
Those punks are gonna dump a whole bottle of shampoo in for mega bubble bath
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
I remember when peer pressure was all about drugs and promiscuous sex.
Now it’s Fitbit and who has the best gluten free recipes.
my youngest started kindergarten today and I cried but mostly for his teachers
This is what makes twitter great
Me: I just heard a noise
WebMD: Cancer
20’s: AT DAWN WE RIDE !
40’s: AT NINE WE SLEEP !
Hey guys! Remember the golden rules this festive season, when shopping in crowded places;
1/Walk slow
2/Stop for no reason
3/Repeat above
my wife’s divorce lawyer: why don’t we just get them to arm wrestle?
me whispering to my lawyer: do something
‘”I’m a healthy bacteria that aids in digestion”
– probiotic
“Ummm…. Pssssstt!! Dude… What’s a digestion?”
– amateur biotic
I’m not saying Goldilocks was a piece of shit, but she broke into someone’s house and just started eating their breakfast.
I helped my kids clean under their beds & we found 37 sticks, 15 rocks & their long-lost brother.
“I’m gonna sleep in tomorrow.”
Every child ever: No you’re not.
U know your mind is gone when u get out of bath and realize u only shaved one leg
Unless u only have one leg… Then you’re good