My first scholarly article was rejected in a letter so scathing I worried there might be criminal charges as well.
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Them: oh I was just talking about you!
Me, jokingly: nothing bad I hope? Ha ha
Them:
Me: oh
Wearing the same outfit two days in a row ’cause I’m practicing to be a cartoon
[inventing the grinch] santa needs a wario
[waking up in an amniotic pod realizing I am a human battery powering the Machines]:
lol this is so Capricorn.
Relationship status~ Siri saw my browser history & now she isn’t talking to me either
M: I carry my Restraining Fluid at all times. It keeps me from killing stupid people.
Ursula, that’s a 5th of vodka.
M: Yes, yes it is.
Some people are like a ray of spray tan.
Seems like everybody is wishing to find that special someone in their life, and I’m just over here wishing I could eat without getting fat
Take one positive friend and one negative friend with you on your next road trip. That way when your battery dies, you can hook cables to them and start your car
5: Dad, can you get me pasta?
Me: Ah, we don’t have any.
5: That’s ok, you can make some, I don’t mind waiting.
“How was your first day of school sweetie?”
*in tears* JEFF HAD THE SAME SHIRT
“Oh…I’m sorry”
*rips Batman shirt* I’M NEVER TEACHING AGAIN!!
I startled a mom and her kids in the Back To School aisle today at work.
I came around the corner and yelled SUPPLIES!
I want to see Taylor Swift and Rupi Kaur fight each other.
A pig’s orgasm lasts for 30 minutes. So would mine, probably, if I was having sex with something made out of bacon.
Remember don’t judge, you never know what another person is going through
Unless they’re constantly oversharing on Facebook, then go ahead
Show someone you love them today by rearranging the apps on their phone.
kid: dad how do you make a bubble?
me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-
kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*
Just opened a Christmas card and a Yorkshire Pudding fell out.
I love my Aunt Bessie.
*forgets Netflix password*
*sends email reset*
*forgets email password*
*sends reset to backup*
20 resets later:
*opens 2nd Netflix account*
Ever talk to someone so stupid they make you squint?
if I worked behind some kind of counter, every day I would simply wear a sleeping cap, and have two tip jars, labeled “honk shoo” and “mimimimimi”
Nissan keeps sending me emails with my monthly vehicle health report. I hope the car is healthy but I haven’t owned it for 3 months.
Me, scrolling to find my birth year
Emoji: because sometimes a chicken, the Spanish flag, and a lesbian couple is the only way to express how you really feel.
Wanted:
1 Psychic.You know who you are.
If you hate being single, imagine being with someone who sets 10 alarms to wake up each day and sleeps through every one of them.
Being a parent means throwing your kids under a bus for how messy your house is when company arrives
Looking to hire someone who can photo edit my ex out of all of my vacation photos and replace him with a potato
Me: I have a Black Belt
Her: Karate?
Me: Faux leather. 40”
THEO VAN GOGH: I can’t believe you lost your other ear in a poker game
VINCENT VAN GOGH: What?