i just realized my “for you” feed is actually as enjoyable a scroll as my “following” feed and i’ve never been more devastated in my life
You Might Also Like
Remember the days we could get out of bed without looking like a newborn pony trying to walk?
Good times.
when i get married im gonna send invitations to my enemies that have minus ones on them so they’ll know about the wedding but won’t be allowed to go
Watching the end credits of a movie so you can take note of the producer & director and never ever watch anything else that they make
●︿●
That point in your parenting journey where “stop fighting” morphs into “go outside if you’re going to fight”
Crying and holding my daughter, “look baby, she looks like us.”
I’m sorry for the things I said when you opened a new gallon of milk when there was one already open
DUI stands for: don’t uber, i got this.
I’ve spent the six years trying to learn Braille via hospital elevators. So far, I know elevator.
CUSTOMER: [handing me a 20] can I have two 5’s and a 10?
ME: [thinking of the girl who wrote ‘never change’ in my high school yearbook] no
My 7yo son is running away because I made him write a few sentences. I guess I shouldn’t expect any letters from the road.
Me: I hate when corporate Twitter accounts pretend to be people
Amazon Prime: I was just saying this to my kids
Every time someone says, “at least it’s a dry heat,” I want to stab them with a box cutter.
*at least it’s a short knife.
My 17yo son made me do 40 seconds of star jumps in the garden to help me ‘keep fit’.
In return I made him no dinner to help him ‘keep slim’.
Reasons why my toddlers cried this week-
-I put a pillow back on the couch
-Our dog drank from her water bowl
-My wife took a shower
-I gave them the wrong color cups
-I asked them to not throw things at the wall
Invasion? No, the Aliens are here for an Intervention.
Some days I feel like my life is going super well, & then I get my hair caught in my umbrella.
And also my car door.
Me: What did you learn in kindergarten today?
5-year-old: A doughnut would help me remember.
Apparently she learned bribery.
Some people can’t sleep because they have insomnia. I can’t sleep because I have internet connection.
Me: Damn. Another gray hair. *plucks it*
Old man standing next to me: Ouch!
Man: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: And, for your side?
M: Oh, no, not tonight. This is my wife with me.
Scientists: we discovered a worm that eats plastic
Worm: wait we’re eating what
“What a tangled web we weave”
-Earbuds
[answers batphone] Hi, thanks for calling the batcave. This batcall may be batmonitored or batrecorded for batquality batassurance batpurposes
Paint me like one of your French girls….
With a big fat croissant in my mouth
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe marriage should be between a person who hates pickles and another person who will eat that pickle.
ok hear me out: Luigiana
Me: If I ever decide to commit a murder I am going to make a doll out of my hair to put in the victim’s house.
Friend: why?
Me: That way they look crazy and there is a reason my hair is at the crime scene.
Friend: (backing away slowly) sounds well thought out.
*dog walks into a pet store wearing a fake moustache*
“Hello sir or ma’am I would like to lovingly adopt your most delicious cat”
“I’m disguising all my tweets as Marilyn Monroe quotes from now on.”
-Marilyn Monroe