Me: Okay, you’re up
Kid: …. Trick or Treat
Me, opening kitchen cabinet: Look, candy!!
Kid: Mom, this is stupid
Me: Do you want candy or do you want to get infected and die???
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(looking up from my book) only a couple words in and already i know i’m gonna like this book. this dickens guy immediately establishes that it was the best of times. people used to write about that kind of thing, just good guys having a nice time. (i turn back to the book) f***!
HIM: Did you steal my truth serum?
ME: You bet I did.
Imagine “are you ready for some football?” sung to the tune of “Do You Want To Build A Snowman?” Yes I’m trying to ruin this for everyone.
[storming out of the bedroom in a novelty banana costume] YOU’RE THE ONE THAT SAID THINGS WERE GETTING TOO PREDICTABLE KAREN…
That guy who just spent 2 hours washing and waxing his sportscar looks like a douche. C’mon boys, you know what to do.
– Birds, probably
63% of Americans can’t locate the Earth on a globe
Just bought a new umbrella for the person that finds it tomorrow.
i physically cannot make a spotify playlist without adding every song i’ve ever liked. i’ll start one called “sad :(” and it’ll end up with temperature by sean paul on it
[jumps in Uber]
ME: HURRY I’M LATE
UBER: [starts driving]
ME: PULL OVER HERE
[jumps out, pets dog]
ME: [jumps back in] GO GO GO
Teacher: this is an E
Kid: what if it’s an F behind an L
T: no it’s just an E
K: how can u be sure
[3 am]
T: *wide awake* how can u be sure
They say the camera adds 10 lbs.
Looks like fast food added the other 40.
Isn’t it time to start naming hurricanes after IKEA furniture.
Every kid turns into a mall walker when the lifeguard yells NO RUNNING
I may be middle-aged but I still have the student loan debt of a much younger man.
Divorce is never funny. Unless it’s happening to your ex who got engaged six weeks after you broke up.
Every Scooby Doo episode would literally be 2 minutes long if the gang went to the mask store 1st & asked a few questions.
if my house is ever clean just know i must have murdered someone in there.
I have to find the recorder the school sent home last year, or something terrible will happen. The school will send home another recorder.
A lollipop is like a normal lipop but it laughs a lot.
Sorry.
It takes a big man to admit his mistakes. It takes a bigger man to fix them. It takes an enormous man to close down a Chinese buffet. High-5
Brain: Let’s play a game.
Me: What?
Brain: Remember where you parked before the ice cream melts.
Me: Fuuuuu……
My wife: am I beautiful?
Me [hella smooth]: yeah, you look like a little cat
[House hunters]
Pigs: we’d really love a brick house
Wolf realtor: how do we feel about wood tho?
Subway sandwich employee said he wears the gloves “cuz the meat stings.”
the “don’t confuse your google search with my medical degree” thing is especially funny to me bc i’ve seen my doctors google my symptoms in appointments
Guy Who Invented the Jet Engine: this will revolutionize the travel industry
Guy Who Really Hates Geese: yeah that too
Mouthwash is too spicy!
*waters it down with Mayonnaise*
I made quiche, like a real grown-up. I feel like Tom Hanks in Castaway when he makes fire… I HAVE MADE QUICHE!
Did I say feelings? I meant uhhh sandwiches. I have sandwiches for you.
To little kid eyeing my McDonalds: thats right i can eat this any time i want… Dont ask about any of the other parts of my life please.