I just replaced the can of air freshener in the office bathroom with an air horn.
And now we wait…
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I’m voting for Bernie Sanders based all on the fact that His fried chicken rules
Flying Monkey: Notice she only calls us “pretties” when she wants something.
They say using smaller plates will help you eat less.
It took 3 of them to hold my dinner, not sure how this is helping.
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
Co-worker: How are you today?
Me: *starts writing death threats on the wall in period blood.*
Everything’s free if you learn to mimic the beep of the self-checkout scanner
[Orca Winfrey Show]
ORCA: “You get a carp! You get a carp! You get a carp!
AQUATIC AUDIENCE: *just screaming their gills off*
My husband pissed me off so when he wasn’t looking I poured water on the floor in front of the dishwasher. He’s been fixing it for the past 2 hours.
TV shows project an unrealistic image, like catching a criminal in an hour or that people don’t spend most of the day in pyjamas drinking wine.
Executioners flirting:
You hang first.
No, you hang first.
*giggling*
No, you hang!
No you!
If I had a time machine I’d destroy the invention of autotune and say “good luck being famous now you talentless brats!”
I can’t watch movies made before 1998 because the gas prices in the background of scenes make me too angry
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
doctor: your wife’s gone into labor
husband: oh no, I hate unions
Me: they didn’t have cell phones when I was a kid
5: they also didn’t have cars
Her: I want you to kill my ex but make it seem like an accident
Me: say no more
[Later]
Detective: looks like the killer beat him to death with a crowbar and then placed a banana peel by his feet
For eggplant your guests will love, lightly brush with olive oil, toss in the air and blast that bad boy with your ankle piece.
The bad news: climate change threatens 1 in every 4 species with extinction.
The good news: you’re one of them.
me: turtles stole my pizza today
therapist: interesting
me: they emerged from the sewer like ninjas
therapist [removing mask to reveal shredder]: WHERE WERE THESE TURTLES
I can’t afford a vacation. So I’m just going to drink until I don’t know where I am.
A restaurant nearby was burglarized and concerned neighborhood residents awakened from sleep by the extra loud helicopter the police sent to deal with it are getting to the bottom of whether or not the restaurant’s food is good
Son, take a look around you…
*motions to piles of unpaid bills*
Someday all of this will be all yours.
son: hey dad
me: [picks up phone, dials 9] yes
son: now don’t get mad
me: [dials 1] ok
son: do we have a fire extinguisher
me: [dials 1]
[Abruptly stops hula hooping] Not guilty, your Honor.
Today is 3 wks in quarantine w/o sugar. Walking 3 miles a day, no meat, dairy or flour! I feel great! No alcohol & vegan diet! A 2 hr home workout everyday. Lost 14 lbs & gained muscle mass! I have no idea whose tweet this is but I’m proud of them so I decided to copy & paste it!
PITCHER: *throws a ball*
UMPIRE: Ball four. Walk!
AUDIENCE (who are dogs): *goes apeshit*
I’m a dentist and I graduated with 68 other ones. I’ve met even more in 13 years as a dentist. None of us have been asked shit about our opinions on toothpastes.
Not knowing the words to a song sure as hell doesn’t stop me from making random noises in an attempt to sing along anyway
Calling bullshit on news that the Amazon is burning. I just got a package delivered from them today
ME, my last day as a doctor: Sir, your sugar is dangerously high. You need to eat less… *checking the notes on my hand*… crabs.