Preacher: God’s love is unconditional!
Me: Then why is there a hell?
Preacher:……
Me: Your move.
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“Hello, this is Steve, my wife is listening.”
– How I answer every phone call since my wife bought Bluetooth for my car.
[bill gates house]
Bill: What’s on at the cinema?
Wife: Let me google it and-
*terrified look at bill*
Wife: Let me bing it and see.
A website for religious potato chip lovers…Christian Pringle.
My gummy vitamins melted together so I’m just gonna take a bite out of this every day instead of letting them go to waste
I’m not humiliating myself here for 3 likes. 5 maybe but not 3.
Apparently it is “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
wife: ugh I feel so old
me: you’re only 36
wife: ugh
me: that’s like three 12yr olds
wife: what
me: what
My dog just puked on the floor.
5yo: MOMMY, LOOK!
Me: Eeeww!
5yo: We are just gonna have to move now!I like the way this kid thinks!
Human: what’s up with all the anal probes?
Alien: [shrugs] seems like most of your species keeps their head up there.
When my wife wants my opinion, she’ll give it to me.
“I can’t believe putting bears in charge of the hospital administration system didn’t work out. They just kept eating all the patients!”
“Maybe we should let the bears choose the doctors?”
“And run the hospital cafeteria!”
“More bear involvement is obviously the answer!”
The worst thing about millennial parents is that they name their pets human names and their kids pet names. They be like:
“Luna, don’t take Josh’s cone off, he just got spayed!”.
Wife: *looking at three baskets full of my clothes* You need to do laundry.
Me: No, two of those are clean.
*malia passes me a joint* thanks obama
My girlfriend told me she loved me and wanted to marry me so I shot her in self defense.
[post-abduction]
ALIEN 1: Be not afraid, human. We will do you no harm
ME: Will I like Area 51 if I haven’t seen Area 1 to Area 50?
ALIEN 2: Let’s grab a different one
The best thing about eating healthy food is all the incredible food you eat an hour later because you’re so hungry…
[answers phone in crowded elevator] give me some good news…HOW contagious?
i quit boxing the moment i realized my opponent was allowed to punch me in the face too
beyoncé communicating with the dead is what i would call a seyoncé.
Me: You gotta get dressed, kiddo, we’re leaving soon.
7yo:
Me: Get dressed, please.
7yo:
Me: Please get dressed.
7yo:
Me: Hurry up and get dressed.
7yo:
Me: Put your clothes on.
7yo:
Me: We have to leave in 3 minutes!
7yo:
Me: GET DRESSED RIGHT NOW!!!!!
7yo: Ok! Don’t yell at me!
*pauses Airwolf on the VCR*
*sets wine cooler down on the coffee table*
*turns to her*ME: what do you mean this isn’t working out?
Me: *taps one-night-stand on forehead* Unfollowed.
One-Night-Stand: It doesn’t work like that…
Me: *taps him on forehead again* Blocked.
How many boats could Lisa Kudrow row if Lisa Kudrow could row boats?
Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.
I’m curious about the first person who saw an egg drop out of a chicken & said, “I’m going to eat that.”
It’s password awareness Friday.
Today I offer free consulting.
Send me a password and I tell you if it’s strong.
“Please be more mindful of how expressive your eyebrows can be during meetings when others are speaking” my boss to me after the great 2 truths and a lie incident of February 15, 2024.
No one has more ailments than a child who was put to bed.
Doctor: This patient needs exercise. Get him a walker. No that’s a zombie I wanted a walk-oh I see what you did there, nurse
[Everyone dies]