When you drive, be careful to look out for bikes. Sometimes they’re unchained so you can pull over and just take them.
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“Struggling with insomnia” sounds like you’re just trying to help insomnia put on its coat and it won’t stop waving its arms around.
The 2nd amendment gives us the right to bear arms and the 8th amendment gives us the right to horse legs
*stands next to ATM and cheers every time someone wins money*
I get you, container ship stuck in the Suez.
I can’t fit into most things I used to anymore, either.
A warlock cursed me to forever be standing in line behind people trying to remember the name of a movie, and I know exactly what movie it is
My dad can get into “dad-mode” sometimes. He’s a doctor who is worried about the virus, and told me, his 24 year old son, in a 5 min rant that this isn’t the time to be trying to have a lot of “play-dates”. So if you were trying to play after school im sorry my dad said we cant
Got a new high score on my bathroom scale
there’s probably a fee though
A true master of balance is someone who can saunter over to your table, drink in each hand, while being three sheets to the wind, and not spill a drop!
My husband went to a lawyer luncheon thing and the lawyer he sat beside turned out to be my ex boyfriend from college. When they realized the connection he told my husband, “She always had me laughing. Is she still funny?” And my sweet husband said, “Not in the slightest.”
Me: I wouldn’t miss it for the world.
Friend: It was yesterday.
Fact: If you ever blow me a kiss, I’m catching it and sticking it down my pants.
Wife: I think my husband is spying on me.
Friend: You’re probably overreacting.
Me: *dressed as a bartender* Can I get you ladies a drink?
Christmas is great! You can sit on the lap of a total stranger and no one is offended.
If Facebook changed “poke” to “stab” I would use it all the time.
This morning my son said ‘pull my finger’ and I’m certain, somewhere in Ontario, my dad just smiled and felt pride for reasons he couldn’t explain.
Me: Shall I buy flowers for the housewarming?
Wife: Orchids?
Me: Where am I supposed to buy children?
“That’ll be $19.94.”
*pulls out $50 bill*
“Sorry, we’ve had a problem with counterfeit bills. Have anything smaller?”
*pulls out $25 bill*
She was REALLY feeling it.
Do not steal food from the science building!
Me: Do you need a sample?
Nurse: Ma’am we just need to swab your throat
Me: But I gotta pee and I don’t want it to go to waste
I’m an Easter egg in the streets and a deviled egg in the sheets.
The one thing I think most parents need to realize is, there’s absolutely no secrets that your child doesn’t share about you in the classroom.
It’s 2015. I can’t believe we’re still referring to a dress as colored.
Can Twitter come up with relationship statuses like FB?
-Married and spouse knows about account
-Married but acts single
-Single and getting some
-Single and jealous of people getting some
-Registered sex offender
[forest precinct]
DETECTIVE OWL: HOO
BEAR: I dont know
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: I DONT KNOW
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: OK I DID IT…I ATE GOLDILOCKS!
Them: Are you single?
Me, stuffing food in my face: Oh no. I’m at least a double. Probably a king sized
Sure I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand bats.
A lot of people don’t know this but if you’re turned into a vampire you don’t actually get a vampire name.
Some of you will just be Gary the Vampire
I’m in awe of people who can pronounce camaraderie correctly the first, second or tenth time.