Dearly beloved, we are gathered her today to place bets on how long this marriage will last because these idiots met 2 months ago.
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Hey rappers, if you have to keep reintroducing yourself then you’re not a very good rapper.
Car commercials are always showing the cars driving like it’s supposed to impress me but I already know they can do that
I made £40,000 in one day using a simple trick. Send me £2,000 and I’ll tell you how I did it
So I’m pounding a few nails in the wall to hang pictures AT THREE PM not in the middle of the night and my neighbor comes in SCREAMING and files a report against me. I hate living on this submarine.
My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. Now she’s a pearl diver in the Philippines & can afford her own damn dessert.
We just walked into a Target and my wife said we don’t need a buggy and I don’t know what I’m supposed to do in here without a buggy to push.
Sometimes I think about when I was at an event when I was 20 and I asked this guy to dance and he said after I eat my cake. After he finished that piece he went back for another piece…and another. He just kept eating cake. So. Much. Cake. I’m still waiting on that dance.
What do you mean my back has experienced trauma and needs time to recover? It hasn’t seen combat, I just bent over.
Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
Can you rent a shark? It’s time sensitive
Girl1: Why are you so happy?
Girl2: I was complimented on my driving today. Someone left a note on my windshield that said “Parking Fine”
[first date]
HER: I just love a man who’s not afraid to be honest.
ME: *trying to impress* You sound really stupid right now.
Treat your relationships as you would your teeth, daily attention and they could last a lifetime, too bad the same can’t be said for hair.
[walking into Sephora]
me: I love how it smells in here! If I ever find a man who smells like this, I’m going to lock him in the basement forever.
my husband: I’m right here you know
Spent the day at the zoo watching animal parents sleeping. Currently building a cage around my house.
Doormats are a gateway rug.
Welcome to your 40s: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
Sometimes I like to imagine Thanos singing the Addams Family theme song just snapping people in and out of existence
The only time my kids and I actually agree on anything is when they try to roast me and I reply YO MAMA by accident.
Nextdoor doesn’t always deliver, but boy oh boy when it does…
Me: *leads her to bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
Her: Nice
*4 rabbits jump out of a hat as a flower squirts water in her eye
*seats stuffed animals around the table for a team meeting*
Everyone, I think I’ve been working from home for too long.
Parts of a worm:
1) Worm
Help is a magic word.
Say it to people & watch them disappearing from the horizon of your life.
I just gave my cat his lunch and insulin. He is now happily digesting and insulating.
Kill them with kindness, you say?
*slowly and sadly puts down bazooka*
ME: i’ve never been to europe
SOMEONE WHO’S BEEN TO EUROPE: you should totally go
ME: now that i think of it, it’s only been my lack of desire, alone, that has ever inhibited me to go so ok why not
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Daughter: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
Couldn’t of?! COULDN’T OF?? Oh really? You could not of? Interesting.
Fun game: Hand everyone who’s ever told you they’re ambidextrous a screwdriver and watch them take down drapes with their non-dominant hand.