Not arguing with people in 2024, I’m just gonna say “it makes sense that you would think that”
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Jimmy Bathwater, 27 of Howdon, pleaded guilty to roundhousing a seagull out the sky. He was fined £300 despite how impressive that sounds
Sang to the radio on the way home today.
Got every word wrong.
“if you could dinner with any scientist, alive or dead, which one would it be?”
“schrodinger”
Are iPads supposed to be red with two white knobs on the bottom?
{during sex}
Her: Make me scream
Me: *turns on lights
We thought our son was excited for us to attend Back-to-School night so we could meet his teacher…Turns out, his actual excitement was bc he couldn’t wait to show us the bathroom stall he had carefully chosen…“to do all the pooping in.”
who called them sea lions and not soggy doggies
4 years single just means I have a bachelor’s degree in being alone
Every time I get an eyelash in my eye, I’m reminded of how quickly I would die in the wild.
[dentist]
receptionist: with copay that will be $15
me: here’s the teeth y’all pulled, just put it under a pillow and it should be taken care of
I made a grown man cry today in court.
But yet I can’t get my kids to clean their damn rooms.
therapy dog: tell me your problems, sugar
Anyone want a free car? Angry bee inside but otherwise, perfect.
[showing my family to coworker]
This is a picture of my daughter & my cat. Mittens & Jack.
“You named your daughter Jack?”
Nope, mittens
Excuse me, waiter, there is a spy in my soup. It fell out of the balloon in the sky.
The baby changing station in this Chili’s bathroom is broken
I put the old baby in there and when I opened it back up it was the same one
Ke$ha looks like a character I would select in Mortal Kombat
From my hospital bed it occurred to me, that i could never work in a hospital because there are too many opportunities to nap.
The kids are upset we’re having chicken and peas for dinner which means our dog is very happy we’re having chicken and peas for dinner.
When I was a kid I was afraid to drink kool-aid because I didn’t want a giant hole in my wall that I had to explain to my mother, like, could you imagine?
My toddler woke me up last night to tell me it wasn’t morning yet, which to be honest is the same level of hard hitting journalism cable news provides.
“Is there really a fire? Prove it.” -Mrs. Doubtfire
Pac-Man gave me very unrealistic expectations about my ability to run away from ghosts.
WIFE: you didn’t use my shampoo again did you?
ME: *shakes my head no but my lustrous hair gives me away*
“Got any drugs or alcohol on you?”
“yup, I’m all set. Thanks Officer”
I left my Hoover in the garage and raccoons broke in and angrily destroyed it
I guess it’s true — nature abhors a vacuum
Me: can I have a few extra days off over Christmas
Boss: it’s May
Me: sorry, may I have a few extra days off over Christmas
I constantly lose my phone so it’s really up to you if you want to play ‘shes ignoring me or her phone is in the fridge’
You travel 3500 miles to the breathtaking 15th-century mountaintop Inca citadel, Machu Picchu. The gift shop is not great.