I was going to watch the news this morning but I decided I wanted to have a good day.
You Might Also Like
Wife: how’s potty training been today?
Me: he peed twice!
Wife: that’s great!
Me: *covered in piss* no, it’s not.
*tosses incriminating letter into the fireplace*
ME: will someone please light a fire in this fireplace
*hand touches hot stove*
BRAIN: GET IT OFF NOW NOW*mouth eats hot food*
BRAIN: CHEW FASTER. JUGGLE IT WITH YOUR TONGUE. DON’T BE A QUITTER
I hate it when I get really drunk and start to say a bunch of things that I mean
Why did the Fresh Prince have to take a cab anyways? How shitty was that family that no one would pick him up from the airport?
I’m sorry you never experienced someone getting so drunk, kidnapping a chicken and then fighting a stop sign, all in the name of love of you.
Dispatcher:
“The call is coming from inside the house!”Me, seconds from murdered:
“I have a landline?”
Airbnb owner: Before you check out can you start the dishwasher, put on a load of laundry, do my taxes, and renovate the bathroom?
Me:
SICK of gossip rags only being interested in famous people. Can someone please investigate the woman in my building who put a salad in the recycling bin
God invented co-workers to remind us that dying alone wouldn’t be such a bad thing.
Me: It’s cute how obsessed you are with me. All you talk about is what I’ve done.
Judge: That’s my job!
Me, knowing girls dig bad boys: sorry I didn’t text u back babe I was grounded.
#Itssocoldthat..A streaker froze in mid-streak! The town council just stuck a plaque on him and pretended he was a Greek statue until spring
I needed a laugh this morning.
Some of my friends have really unattractive children and I don’t say a word I just carry this heavy cross
Ate half my sandwich prolly save the other half for later
My goal weight is to stop hearing ‘you have a great personality’
[dog park]
Dog: omg I just found out I’m adopted
Other Dogs: [barking in shock]
She can’t leave if you’re wearing all of her clothes.
So when two guys get super friendly it’s bromantic, but what about two girls? Can we make homantic a thing? Or ‘gina buddies or something?
Came inside from a run and my 12 y/o daughter told me I was going to lose my hearing because my headphones were too loud, then I told her she didn’t understand me and slammed my bedroom door so her transformation into her Grandma could be complete.
Who snuck Monday in here? 🙄
I only eat wild caught salmon because I like to know the fishermen had a good time
“Lloyd, could you keep your eyes on the road, please?” Oh. Yea. Good thinkin’. Can’t be too careful. A lot of bad drivers out there.
If you have to choose between being cool or a cucumber…
Pick cool pickle.
It’s all fun and games until a metal flask falls out of your car in the church parking lot.
Did someone text back with just “K”? You know what you should do? Stop texting them dumb shit.
Playing car dealership with my son, we rearranged the lot.
i just really want crab legs
..not to eat or anything, no, i just wanna scuttle across the floor and see who runs in terror from me
[after sex]
Me: is that a tattoo of Sebastian the crab?
Her: yeah, I love crabs
Me: then I have some GREAT news!