I’d like to thank my exs for encouraging me to learn about cars.
Like how to cut the break lines, hoses, or discreetly slash a tire.
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Big Sex has us all fooled
Dear guy that just shoplifted a brick from the supply centre, how close are you to finishing the construction of your dream home?
-Stop expecting someone else to fix you, fix yourself
(me talking to the pile of clothes on my bed)
*internal alarm…awakens at 6am
*presses nose
*sleeps 9 more minutes
streaming companies forgetting their entire existence is based on being slightly more convenient than piracy
I want to buy my girlfriend a present within 250$ on valentines day any suggestions?
I also need a girlfriend to give her the present and 250$.
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
i’m a man written by a woman but that woman has something very, very wrong with her
Put the spoiled milk back in the fridge and hope it gets better.
– What I think when I hear someone is getting back together with an ex.
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
[hears baby crying in the next room]
“It’s ok, I’ll go.”
[gets in car & goes to a motel]
Dating for me is like wearing cashmere, I think I can handle it, and then a few hours later I’m like, “Get it off of me!!!”
[Beatles recording session]
Ringo: ♫I’d like to be
John: Nice beat
R: ♫Under the sea
Paul: Oh exotic
R: ♫In an octopus’s garden
George: WTF?
Just before bed my 1yo ever so gently kissed her baby doll, softly placed it in the oven of her play kitchen, and closed the door. I’d say big sister practice is going pretty well.
So afraid of commitment I only play “Words With Acquaintances”.
My recipe for an upside-down cake is super easy:
1. Make a cake.
2. While carrying it, trip over the dog.
date: i like the strong silent type
me: [quietly trying to lift the table over my head]
As a kid I thought a lot about growing up, getting a job and having kids, but not this job and certainly not these kids.
wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i’m a chameleon
wife: no you’re not
me: I can change I swear
Stonehinge
Smashing piñatas blindfolded but it’s just me being outside during the flying insect seasons.
We need more insane laws like New Jersey’s “can’t pump your own gas” rule. No tying your own shoes in Delaware. It’s illegal to make your own pancakes in Wyoming. Don’t even try to shear your own sheep in Montana. I dare you to blow up your own balloons in Tennessee
Not sure which is more mortifying, the dog bringing your dirty panties to the repairman or the repairman balling them up and throwing them for her.
Parents: lying is bad
Also parents: if the ticket guy asks, you’re still 11
Me: Nothing has better sucking capability than a Dyson vacuum.
Dracula: You can’t be serious.
Home is where the heart is, and hopefully it’s where all of the other vital organs reside too.
To whoever stole my thesaurus, you made my day bad. I hope bad things happen to you. You’re a bad person.
1886: We invented a car!
1903: We invented a plane!
1969: We went to the moon!
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2015: Taco Emoji!
If you run out of milk for your coffee just use cheese. Dairy is dairy. Stop making me solve all of your problems
3yo: I want to have a real turkey on Fanksgiving
Me: Yes, Grandma will have real turkey when we go to her house.
3yo: And I will pet him! And him will say “gobble gobble.”
😬