I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “Your guess is as good as mine.”
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Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
A baby that is starting to wake up from a nap is like a solar eclipse. Whatever you do, do not look directly at it.
Wait…you said JAZZ hands? Oh god. I totally misheard you. Please get me a towel.
Candid photo of me, eating chips.
The zombie I shot earlier may have just been a kid with chapped lips. I don’t take any chances.
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
RIP Rose, you would’ve loved Let It Go
Waiter: Are you finished?
ME: First of all, there’s still like 3 fries left.
SHARK ATTACKS AT RECORD HIGH
Australia: Lets put nets out to keep bathers safe
USA: Everybody get a shark to protect you from other sharks
Please be gentle with me I used to be a baby
[poker night with the boys]
wife: *on the phone*: I’ll be home soon, need anything?
m: yes please, chips and beer
w: ok. winning?
m: all pants are off
w: you meant bets, right?
m *neatly folding my jeans*: I know what I meant
[space shuttle]
Captain: prepare for landing
Me: roger that
C: reverse thrusters
M: sretsurht lol
C: lol
*we smash full speed into the moon*
I still can’t believe someone stole my neighbours wind chimes tomorrow morning
A group of arsonists is called a firing squad.
*At demonstration
*grabs megaphone – stands on car
‘DOES ANYONE HAVE AN iPHONE CHARGER?’
Biden: Told Trump about Carter’s ghost in the West Wing
Obama: Carter is still alive
Biden: He doesn’t know that
Good news
Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…
My wife: …so what do you think?
Me: wait… what?
Meteorologist has to be the easiest job in the world. Just keep predicting no meteors will hit us and the first time you’re wrong everyone’s dead anyway
I can’t touch my face so I’ve been letting the cats apply and remove my makeup. They’re getting pretty good at it.
guy about to invent alarm clocks: i wish waking up early was worse
Spring is what we call the time in between complaining about the cold and complaining about the heat
Britain be like
I am rarely judgmental, but I do scowl, and shake my head slowly in disapproval whenever I see a vegan biting its nails.
4th grade student: How old are you?
Me: Quite a bit older than you.
Student: So like 23?
Me: Deal. Tell all your friends.
Plastic bags are polluting our oceans so I always return mine to the forest
[DATE NIGHT]
Me: You and me baby
Her: Ain’t nothing but mammals?
Me: so let’s do it….?
Her: …like they do on the discovery channel!
Both of us: *hibernate for 4 months*
Once a teacher said nobody was buying my cool guy act but he dropped his clipboard and there was a drawing of me in sunglasses on it.
Is it a good sign when your therapist keeps saying Ka-Ching?