Does Rapunzel use the shampoo “Head & Shoulders, knees & Toes.”
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My 4yo wanted to show me how she’d put her little brother to bed. When we opened his door, he was up playing with toys. She cried NO YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO STAY IN BED and my oh my, how the tables have turned
Yes, but you should see the other pea
~Black eyed pea probably
14 is giving me a lecture about one of his video games. Pretty sure I’m gonna fail. His lectures are long, boring, make no sense, and I don’t see how I’ll ever use this in the real world.
it’s “wake up little susie” because no one wanted to mess with big susie
I was driving with my teenage niece and she turned on a band and said “they’re kinda underground, but I like them.”
Green Day, the band was Green Day.
To all of you who tweet constantly about drinking wine…
Somebody has to say it.
GRAPE JOKES AREN’T FUNNY.
how to exercise your calf muscles
if one member of the motorcycle gang has to pee do they all stop or does he just have to catch back up?
I’m proud of the fact I’ve never yet lost a fight with a panda.
I’m gonna nail horseshoes on my nikes and gallop behind joggers
turned my music down and some guy in traffic yelled out THANK YOU
Jesus. But make it not Jesus and not fashion.
I may not know much about a lot of things, but this fact I’m sure of:
A smoke detector battery will never go dead during the day.
My daughter is at school and she just sent me this photo entirely without context so I have to assume she turned her teachers into cats
“OMG THE CORN IS SHOOTING AT US”
– inventor of popcorn
I hurt my back making tater tots. The directions said bake 16 minutes and flip halfway.
When a little kid starts crying at a sad part in a movie so you quickly explain it’s all make-believe to make her feel better but she starts crying louder because she just realized all the movies that made her happy are bullshit too.
“You’re never going to believe this, but my doctor just told me I’ve got a protein deficiency.”
“No whey!”
[inventing jogging]
how can I suffer but with music
When people ask how my childhood was, I say “Pretty good, so far.”
If we put aside our differences and work together, I truly believe we can come up with a few more alternate spellings of the name Britney.
*somehow manages to beep at you sarcastically*
my 10 year high school reunion is in August which means I have 2 months to lose 40 pounds and get engaged to Michael Cera
Not to brag about my wealth but a well-known billionaire has recently been begging me for “5, 10…even 25 dollars”.
I always keep a gun in my pocket so people won’t think I’m happy to see them.
*gets home from game*
“whoa what happened to your eye”
I was on the Kiss Cam
“oh she wasn’t into it?”
with the t-shirt cannon guy’s daughter
Creams that smell like fruit play with your brain.
Tempted to eat my own leg.
Smells like mango, but would probably taste like rare steak.
A leaf blower, but for people.
Million-dollar idea:
Upload your podcast to YouTube, but with a video of a generic-looking Zoom meeting, so people can tune in and pretend they’re working. It looks like important quarterly sales stuff, but it’s really The True Crime Murder And Makeup Tips Hour.