*standing outside your house
I was totally going to stalk you but…
*pets your dog instead
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2019: Crowd surfing
2020: Channel surfing
Before we start our poker night, I’d like to take a few minutes and talk to you guys about these great new products from Tupperware…
I’m a PROUD bidet user, but it didn’t occur to me how losing power in 0° weather would affect the water temp. I think I just had what could be called a religious experience with that bidet. Like, I saw things.
your honor my client would like to plead oopsie daisies
I serve garlic bread at every meal, but these blood-sucking vampires still haven’t moved out.
The name Corey is short for Coriander. Coreys will try & tell you it’s not but they are lying.
Wife: [watching the news] oh God, did you see Petsmart got robbed?!
Me: [loud barks coming from all 19 pockets of my parachute pants] nope
Dang, my 250 million year old salt has expired
*Shovel
*Lye
*GlovesCashier: “Gardening project?”
Me: “Nope”*Bleach
*Duct tape
*Tarp
(watching The Exorcist) She gets to miss so much school
I don’t want to be a millionaire, I just want enough money to be able to stare off into the distance while pumping gas.
[married convo]
Her: Hey, babe…guess what?
Him: What?
Her: *whispers* I’m not wearing any panties.
Him: You need me to do laundry?
Poor superman.he can’t go commando without the whole world noticing
*Sweeping the floor
Lower back: “Time to go out!”
Brain: “Wait, why? We’re not doing anything the least bit strenuous!”
Lower Back: “Dunno, we just gotta”
*cries hunchbackedly
Women have 9 months to prepare for birth. Paper cuts JUST HAPPEN
Have kids so you can start your day with questions like, “mom, why do people clean toilets?”
While editing, I was trying to write: “maybe this should be in bold, for emphasis”, and instead wrote “in blood”. Still works!
Drunk me tried to tear up all your photos and sober me had to buy a new phone screen.
Her: Why do you have a copy of 50 Shades of Grey in your bathroom? Perv!
Me: Oh. No that’s just for when I run out of toilet paper.
older woman => young dude: cougar
older man => young women: manther
older man => younger men: faguar
older woman => younger women: sheetah
I’m a bit of a traditionalist, so on my birthday, I smear my body with embryonic fluid.
I always thought I was a terrible multitasker until I had kids and had to feed a baby, wipe a nose, and produce a snack all while merging on the freeway.
Peace was never an option
Spanish is easily the sexiest language. Everyone should want to learn it. You can say you need to take a shit in Spanish and it sounds sexy.
Them: what charity are you raising money for?
Me: *in a bath of beans* raising money?
going over to my buddy’s house and opening all of his treasure chests to see if there’s any items in there that i need
Me: I have too much to do, there’s not enough hours in this day!
Also me: *takes buzzfeed quiz to see what my Easter Bunny name is*
ME: Table…table doesn’t look great
JESUS: Through me you will have eternal life
ME: ok cool but you SPECIFICALLY said you were a carpenter
I’m not saying I have a drinking problem I’m proving it.
M: Why are the crazies called insane instead of unsane?
Prosecutor: Number 3 is excused from jury duty.
M: *mumbles* works every time