There are a few certainties in this life: death, taxes and when a Canadian tells you it’s cold out, it’s cold out.
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I tossed my billiard table into the bathtub.
Now I have a swimming pool.
People are like, “I thought about what you said…” and my first thought is always, “Oh no.”
The owner of my AirBnB has a dog named Kevin. His human-sounding name terrified me at first.
[battle]
ME: It’s no good. We gotta quit
SARGE: Quit? I don’t know the meaning of the word
M: It means give up
S: Oh cool. Lets do that
*walks away from an explosion in slow motion
*walks right into another explosion in slow motion
Yep.
*speed date*
Her: Hi there, my name’s —
Me: Braid my hair.
Flat Earth is a conspiracy invented by Big Aluminum to sell more foil.
I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy!” Then I just sit at green lights until I feel better about myself!
In what is potentially a gross misunderstanding of Christmas in general, my 2.5yo has hidden her wallet ahead of Santa’s arrival.
If satan isn’t real then who invented 3rd grade recorder flute concerts
Today is the one day I don’t get weird looks from people for carrying around my pillow case full of chocolates.
You wake in a strange cellar, chained to a boiler. You slowly recognize the man standing over you as an old co-worker. He puts his cheek against yours & whispers:
“Remember in 2003 when you said Aerosmith did Come Together better than the Beatles?”
You can blame those “meddling kids” all you want. But let’s face it. Your entire plan was to dress up like a ghost.
*walks into confessional, closes door and sits down*
Me: Alright. Look alive over there, Father, I’ve had a pretty wild week…
ME: If you won a gold medal you’d wear it all the time too
FRIEND: Ok but that’s a parking ticket
Coworker: can I talk to you about your Twitter
Me, hand on the fire alarm:
Coworker: I think you’re funny
Me, removing hand from fire alarm: yes
I yelled at my cat and the other cats yelled at me like wow k pay my mortgage then
Thank you for your comment did you use some kind of random word generator?
My 9 year old got an IPhone today and so far I’ve had 93 texts and 14 FaceTime calls from the other room just to say “Whatcha doin?”
Santa saw your nudes and he’s getting you moisturizer, and a good razor.
My daughter wants to be really scary this Halloween so instead of a costume she is going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
Saving Private Ryan but it’s just me retrieving my daughters favourite toy that she’s dropped down the toilet
[Sherwood Forest]
LITTLE JOHN: Go through it one more time for me
ROBIN HOOD: Ok…we rob from the rich…
LITTLE JOHN: Right
ROBIN HOOD: …and we give to the poor
LITTLE JOHN: And then we rob them
ROBIN HOOD: What? No! Why would we do that?
LITTLE JOHN: Cause now they rich.
My 8YO’s drawings of me have improved in detail. Although she still draws my body as a round ball, she now adds a nice touch by filling in the dark circles under my eyes.
“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt have no other Gods bef-”
“Slow down, fella. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’.”
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
People at HIIT class who warm up before the trainer starts the warm up how warm do you really need to be?
In English, a double negative forms a positive. in some languages, like Russian, a double negative is still a negative. In no language in the world can a double positive form a negative.
yeah…. right…
they should invent an apple tv remote that doesn’t turn off your movie unplug your tv and delete all your accounts if you breathe on it the wrong way