Tonight’s to-do list:
-honk
-shoo
-honk
-mimimimimi
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me: i want your honest opinion
friend: [gives honest opinion]
me: [nods… but also mentally drops them 5 spots in my friendship rankings]
I just want to be rich enough one day to name my kid after an Australian mammal or something found in my spice rack.
When I walk into a car dealership, I bring twenty senior citizens that are dying to talk to someone, so I can look at vehicles in peace
Him: I think we should see other people
Me: *eating a cheese ball like an apple* why
I am 36 years old. I could have been a dog three times by now.
“How old are you” Fine thanks, how old are you
Me: I’m going to eat healthier.
My 25 y.o. son: I don’t understand why, but okay.
women and their purses! haha what’s in there. tampons? lol. WATER? sweater? got sweaters? do you have an extra men’s medium sweater in there
You say you’re a stoner?
Name every stone then
HOW TO ROB A BANK: (1) Walk in and start talking about your study abroad experience. (2) Everyone’s asleep now. Grab the money.
I have a bad habit of starting things and never finishing them.
Let’s all be thankful I’m not a surgeon.
This guy told me he spoke Swedish and then spoke Swedish and tbh I have no way of knowing if he was lying.
*removes turban to reveal an even more seductive turban*
No problem, 3 people is my maximum anyway
I’ll take your LEAST sexual soup.
Him: How many pairs of shoes do you have?
Me: 12
Him: That includes flip-flops, boots, and the ones you never wear.
Me: 118
As the anesthetic knocks you out, your surgeon washes his hands and misses a really easy shot into the garbage with the paper towel.
My wife just sent me a text ” I just bought you the best Christmas present! xox :)” …..I hope she misspelled Xbox
Why’d they call it “The Empire Strikes Back” and not “Cool Hand, Luke”?
Welcome to your 40s. You ask your spouse for the name of the next street because you can’t read the sign yet, but they can’t read it either. For the next several minutes you’re engaged in a heated competition to see whose eyesight is worse.
Whenever I get a midnight “Hey” dm from a woman on the weekend, I always reply
Maybe she’s inviting me to church or something fun like that
Giving up my job to start a new career as a Minecraft YouTuber purely in an attempt to grab my kid’s attention long enough to find out what snack she wants.
My 4 year old daughter found a set of handcuffs in the bedroom. How the hell she found them I don’t know. She asked me why they were there. I said they were for when Daddy had been naughty he had to wear them. She repeated this to her Grandparents. Absolutely mortified.
Imagine how excruciating a conversation between Hodor, Groot, and Timmy from South Park would be.
The ex just asked me how can one have a soulmate if one has no soul?
Wonder which of us he was referring to?
GOOD COP: Give us a name!
PERP: Never!
TED TALK COP: Imagine a world where every single human has-
PERP: Okay I’ll talk, please just stop!
Based on how much my baby is attracted to bright lights and shiny things you’d think I birthed a moth.
Thinking about the time my ex got me an eyeshadow pallet that was labeled “great for green eyes” gentle reader I have blue eyes
[robbing a bank]
accomplice: nice pantyhose
me: thanks
accomplice: on your face next time tho ok
me: another one, make it a double
hot dog vendor: how