*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.
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THIS SIGN MAKES ME SO HAPPY 😊😊😊
One of Jesus’ most impressive accomplishments was being 33 years old and still having 12 really close friends.
Coachella was invented in 1999 when someone accidentally planted a headband in the desert
Darth Vader: “Listen Luke, this is a new arrangement for both of us. Let’s not force things. Just let me know if you need a hand.”
The only thing I know ab AI is it desperately wants us to have more fingers
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he has my lighter
[on 1st date]
Him: So why is someone as pretty as you single?
Me: Single? Who’s single? [gets right up in his face] We marry at dawn.
The thin membrane under the shell of a boiled egg is what’s left of the rooster’s broken condom, and that was my Dad’s sex talk. I’ll always remember that Easter.
[Scooby Doo at an interview]
Interviewer: May I see your CV, Mr. Doo?
Scooby: *hands CV over* Rrres you may!
Interviewer: Round here we call it a CV.
Be the reason they start searching bags for googly eyes at the entrance to your local zoo
Reminder that today is Make Your Kid Lunch for School so They Can Forget it at Home Day.
Redheads are an endangered species, I think that every city should have a petting party for them at least once a week.
~quits job, buys RV
No one in my entire life has believed in me more than the waiter who just gave me a single napkin to use while eating my lunch
Exhausted Parent PSA-
The chance you could mistake a raw chicken sausage for a banana when making a smoothie is small, but not zero.
#rubbishjokes
A German arriving at Orly airport in Paris.Customs officer: Occupation?
German: Nein, just visiting.
“I can try” is a great response to invitations because you’re not even committing to trying.
*man on tv sweeps items off desk and passionately embraces woman*
Me: How romantic.
*husband passionately throws folded laundry off bed*
Me: WTF
*speed dating*
So which of my teeth is your favorite?
Went in for my checkup yesterday. Hernia & prostate exams are really uncomfortable, but he’s a great dentist so I let it go.
Why would I pay for a haunted house when I can wake up to my kid silently standing by my bed at 5 AM.
“All you need is love.”
-billionaire musicians
Fun prank – this Christmas leave a charred skeleton wearing a Santa hat in the fire place for your kids to find.
“Have you considered living on campus?” I ask.
“For a school that’s 30 minutes away? That’s crazy.” My 17 year old answers.
I eat my chili from a small ice cream bowl with an oversized serving spoon (because all of our dishes are in his room) as I stare sadly out the window.
It is not stealing if you walk into a place and do not know where you are or what is happening and just take whatever food you can carry because it is the only thing that makes sense in that moment.
I am a bear.
So I’m sitting, minding my own business when *BAM*
Nothing happens
Sure reading a book under a tree is peaceful but imagine how stressful it is for the tree to see a bunch of it’s dead friends in your hand.
TT: At sunday dinner I like to perform an impromptu puppet show with the roast chicken. This week it’s my interpretation of Die Hard 2.
Daughters wanted to show support for me so they wrote out, “I LOVE D!” and – adore them – but THAT’S gonna get an immediate course correction
“Very colorful, fun. I’d put it in my mouth”
“A bit scary, seems sharp. Still, I’d put it in my mouth”
-Baby reviews of stuff on the floor
old folks get really mad when you’ve never seen their favorite movies like sorry gramps i dont get the hype for topped gun or casa de blanca