There’s a programme on the BBC called Elephant Diaries.
You’d think that was one animal that wouldn’t need to keep one.
You Might Also Like
I showed my kids how to use encyclopedias. I stacked four of them to reach something on the top shelf.
Beam me up, Scotty
Seam me up, tailor
Meme me up, internet
Team me up, sports agent
Steam me up, sauna
Dream me up, sleeper
Cream me up, barista
Spending this evening saving Princess Zelda, because Princess Zelda has never ‘accidentally’ hooked up with her Sociology T.A. while abroad.
DEATH: behold, the four horsemen! The apocalypse is nigh!
ME: You’re all centaurs?!!!
FAMINE: What did you expect?
ME: lol
WAR: STOP LAUGHING!! ALL SHALL PERISH!!
ME: you want a sugar cube?
FAMINE:… Yes
Once a marine, always a marine. Even if you’re now working at Subway. You’re a submarine.
I walked past a lady in her car with convertible down. She locked the door out of fear. So I smacked her in the back of the head & ran way
Me: Knock knock.
Psychic: Ha! Good one.
Felony Insurance, like car insurance but for when you hate someone so much you just have to throw a cinder block through their windshield.
Century: 100 years.
Decade: 10 years
Lustrum: 5 years.
Together forever and ever and ever: 2 weeks.
We’re all eagerly waiting for that one opportunity, e-mail, or moment to positively change our lives, but text message scams really need to step up their game. No one offering anything of actual value would start a message by saying “CITIZEN! YOU HAVE BEEN SELECTED.”
Saved my gall bladder in a jar so when they ask me at the DMV if I want to be an organ donor, I can put it on the counter and say, “YES!”
My only chance at a big house in the country is if I become a rescue dog
My date was all ‘next time come to my place and I’ll cook you some food in my air fryer’ and I was like ‘lol sure and I’ll play you some songs on my air guitar’ and then she was like ‘I need to see other people’.
My second account is trying to drive a wedge of suspicion between me and my Twitter crush.
[ zombie desperately trying to feed a dollar into a glass elevator full of businessmen ]
Personal trainer said we’re going to try some dips today.
I brought hot salsa and tangy cheese. He hates me.
Crying and holding my daughter, “look baby, she looks like us.”
I’d date me.
But mainly because I put out.
[First day of dropping kids off at school]
*Hugs and crying*
[2nd day]
“Get out!”
The amount of people I know who have disliked me because someone told them to is staggering. Like dude, give me a chance… I’ll give you a reason. I promise.
Vowels were invented by old men trying to take their socks off
Kylo Ren: I can’t read your mind! How are you resisting me?!
Rey: Occlumency lessons from Professor Snape.
My friend posted on Facebook that he’s hosting an improv show and every single person reacted with the “care” emoji.
A leaf blower, but for people.
“Have you tried divorcing and restarting your marriage?”
– IT Department as marriage counselors
Try not to put yourself in a position where you have to say “I’m not actually a Nazi”
Pro tip, if you go to a therapist and are in the waiting room, never EVER put on a fake prison accent and ask another person “So what’re you in for?”
Zoom is really only for one thing: realizing our dream of staring at ourselves while talking to other people.
PRO TIP:
Using a Starbucks cup to ask for change makes me think I’m worse off than you