HER: You ran over my cat
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME [imagines myself napping all day and pushing things off shelves] ok
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The most unbelievable thing on TV is when a killer is in the house and someone hides in empty space under the bed. You mean to tell me you’re not keeping 6 storage bins, three rolls of Christmas wrapping paper, and a box of old papers under there
Matthew McConaughey in Dazed & Confused: He gets older, the girls stay the same age
Matthew McConaughey in Interstellar: he stays the same age, his girl gets older
The range on this guy!
Math Problem: Tom has 35 apples. Richard gives him another 26. What does Tom have now?
Me: A terrified doctor.
[at the mall]
Me: i need to get upstairs right awaySecurity Guard: take the escalator
Me: *grabs him by the collar* i need the esca NOW
me: we should tell our son he’s adopted
wife: but he isn’t
me: I know but I’m bored
I’m a professional air guitar tech.
The pay is crap but I enjoy the lifestyle that goes with it
“I just bought a kitchen stove, but you know, you can never have too many of those. I should buy one for every room in the house.” -how Amazon believes people think
Do you think police always say “Do you know why I pulled you over?” on the off chance that you’ll admit to some high crime?
“Shit… Was it the treason?”
One day the mailman is going to murder my whole family and my dog will be like “Ha. Who needs to quit yapping and go lay down now?”
You know when you’ve taken your glasses off but it feels like they’re still on your head? I’m like that but with pants. I’ve literally just touched my head but my pants weren’t there.
I was gonna buy a phone charger at the airport but I didn’t have $7000.
How to make friends as an adult:
1. Say “we should hang!”
2. Do not hang.
3. Say “we should hang!” 6 months later.
4. Cancel.
5. Reschedule.
6. Respect their cancelation.
7. Reschedule.
8. Actually hang.
9. Say “we should do this more often!”
10. Die.
If cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want.
One time, a guy flirtatiously asked me what my deepest darkest secret was, and I told him I was working on a shot by shot remake of the first Star Wars film reenacted by my cats called, “A Mew Hope”.
Anyway he didn’t call.
I haven’t been drinking.
I know what day it is.
I didn’t lose my pants.
This might be my car.
I know how to drive.-Lies I’ve told to cops.
One thing about marvel I like is that they use the same actor. It’s about 25 different Batman’s.
Every recipe should include ingredients, instructions, and which local restaurant delivers last minute
Me: I’ve got a preposition for you…
English teacher: I’m listening
My cuz stole some money, landed in jail, wanted to fight everyone and threatened to shoot people, so that was the end of our Monopoly game.
I have questions??
Nothing good can come out of answering your landline.
Every surgery is exploratory if you’re confused enough
Me:You have your good days. You have your bad days.
Wife: WHERE ARE THE CHILDREN?!
My family tasked me with prepping the canned cranberry sauce and I don’t eat berries from a can so I had no idea how it was supposed to be. It looked like jello so I smashed it all up and apparently I was supposed to slice it. My grandma is crying
Unless you’re a pregnancy test, take that negativity elsewhere.
Every time a plumber swears assume they’re going to add $100 to your bill.
Every time I stop, someone always tries to peer pressure me into hammer time.
Do guys with big trucks realize the only big trucks women find sexually attractive are food trucks?