cat: *rolls over on back* pet my belly
me: no i know this is a trap
cat:
me:
cat:
me: fine *goes to pet belly*
cat: *claws & bites my hand* hahah have some scratches, as a treat you stupid idiot
You Might Also Like
My girlfriend sat up in bed at 3am and yelled “they’ll never find his body” and then giggled. So no sleeping ever again i guess.
dove: don’t poop on a nun…don’t poop on a nun…*poops* dammit
Stranger: ma’am do you need medical assistance?
Me: IT’S BEEN A WHILE SINCE I WORE HEELS OK?
If you have trouble sleeping, you’re destined to marry someone who falls asleep in 10 seconds and will hate them for it.
This Obama guy is the worst rapper ever.
Me: Its so funny I keep dropping my phone
My phone: Yeah, you crack me up
My 4yo asked if I thought a robber came in the night, ate all the Halloween candy then threw the wrappers in the bin and I maintained eye contact while telling her that was the only possible explanation
“Your résumé says you’ve been to prison?”
Me: Sorry, that’s a mistake
“So you haven’t?”
Me: I have, I just didn’t mean to put it on there
Me: You think you have all the answers but believe me, you need what I have up here..
*points to head*Her: What, half a bottle of mousse?
they shouldn’t make rare paintings “priceless” – they should give them a price. that way if they’re stolen, the thief has a number to go with when selling the rare paintings
Explain it to me like I’m five then do it for me like I’m one hundred.
Any way is the right way to plug in a USB if you’re not a weakass
For my lower body, I do 30 squats and 30 lunges. For my upper body, I put on and take off my sports bra.
Gaslighting one person isn’t enough. I’m scheduling a town hall meeting.
do not take my piercings out for my funeral or i WILL be back
I told the bartender, “surprise me,” and he gave me ice water.
[Getting home from fishing trip]
MOM: Catch anything?
ME: No, but a bear did
MOM: Where’s your father?
In the old days if you wanted to hit snooze you had to shoot the rooster with a tranq dart that lasted exactly 9 minutes
what’s wrong babe? you haven’t touched your shrekfast yet
A group of teenagers is called a suspicion.
Me: I’d like to have this deer mounted.
Taxidermist: But it’s still alive.
Me: I’ll give you two some privacy.
Watching Escape to the Country. A couple with a budget of 600,000 looking for a house in the Chilterns.
First house: they want the kitchen at the back so they can open it up and extend it. For Hugo.
They want an extra reception room. For Hugo.
They want more space than a 60ft garden offers. For Hugo.
Hugo is one. Yes, one year old.
My resolve to not swear is being severely tested.
What is the difference between ignorance and apathy?
I don’t know, and I don’t care.
Friends don’t let friends drive drunk but I don’t want them staying at my house
And that’s why Uber was created
A fun thing you can do when making a larger purchase like a TV or refrigerator is to ask if it’s snake proof, and immediately follow it up with “the fact that you’re hesitating is concerning to me”
me: sacked? why?
boss: you’ve been working at GitHub for 4 years now and you still laugh at the name
me: you *know* that’s under control [holds clipboard in front of face for 8 minutes]
SCHRÖDINGER: So son, theoretically your cat is neither dead or al–
WIFE: Tell him.
SCHRÖDINGER: Your cat’s dead.
Everyone stop over reacting!
There was no Earthquake….
I slipped in the shower, these things happen…
“You’re tattoos will look bad when you’re older”
So will the rest of me, what’s your point?
I knew joining a gym was a bad idea when I got there and needed help pulling the door open.