How my wife saves money:
Wife: I’m going to get my car detailed.
Me: The hell you are! You know how expensive that is?
*happily spends twice the amount of time I normally would cleaning her car*
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me: you look thinner
friend: yeah my job at the deli keeps me active. guess what I weigh
me: meat
friend: what
me: what
Good Flirts: I’m enjoying getting to know you and don’t want it to stop.
Better Flirts: I’m trying so hard not to kiss you right now.
Me Flirting: Did you know, according to NASA, 1993’s Jurassic Park is the 7th most scientifically accurate film ever made?
When she says she needs more intimacy; she means your feelings, not your colonoscopy report.
If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.
They grow up so fast. One day they are tiny babies, the next they are pulling out of the driveway, and you’re all “oh no oh god how did the toddler get the car keys???”
when you see my three typing dots linger there for a long time just know I’m fighting an epic battle with autocorrect
There are innumerable mental health benefits of spending time in nature, but that doesn’t mean coming into the forest and screaming “fix my life” at the trees.
“It’s definitely better without a condom” I say, removing it from my soup
[on the phone]
Me: *whispers* I think my CW knows I’m high.
CW: You know you’re talking to a banana right?
I like to think Jesus rose after, like, 20 minutes, but then had to spend 3 days trying to move the rock from the cave.
Omg what a weekend – I don’t need to eat again for the rest of this year.
Is that cheesecake?
My proper Mom said to get fully dressed for a party and then remove one item.
But people always give me odd looks when I don’t wear pants.
Me: I saved $2000 remodeling the bathroom [flexes muscles].
Her: Did you add the hospital visit?
Me:
Me: *steps up to the plate, spits, adjusts cup, taps helmet*
Waiter: is there a problem
[1917]
allied soldier: my god this world war 1 is horrible
another soldier: wait, why did u call it that- are we gonna do this AGAIN
Jesus: a 13th disciple? I don’t recall having seen you before, my friend
Disciple: I’m not a duck disguised as a man, if that’s what you’re thinking. Now tell me more about your body being made of bread
Most guys that think they know everything about women usually lack one thing…. A woman.
the guy at Subway just put Cheetos on my sandwich. can’t tell if he’s stoned, or he knows that I am
Co Worker: I’m a workaholic.
Me: Oh. My. God. He’s been drinking Workahol!!
Literally! 🤣 #dogs
My daughter just asked me a math question then proceeded to make motorcycle noises in case you were wondering how homeschooling went this year
Accidentally said “shh” instead of “slow down” and a kid silently ran into a glass door
Traffic cop: Just blow into this for me sir.
Man in car: But that’s a balloon.
Traffic cop: if you just cooperate sir, it’ll soon be a dog.
In tense moments i like to think “what would Jesus do” and then violently flip over a bunch of tables.
I was singing along with a song in the car, and my daughter asked me how I knew all the words. Remembering that it was from playing Guitar Hero, I looked her in the eyes and said, “I used to be in the band.”
In the 1990’s we didn’t have Uber, so we just hitched a ride with a stranger that didn’t look like a serial killer.
[at airport Subway]
One footlong before my flight to Zurich
“American or Swiss?”
I’m flying Swiss
“I mean for cheese?”
No, for business
*gets a full 8 hours of sleep*
Me: That’s suspicious
A chip tracker but it’s just me following the potato chip crumbs dropped by my toddler
Last night after 6 pegs though I felt confident to drive I acted responsibly and called an Uber.
But before I could board my wife came running and took me back home.