Cop: i told you this land is off limits
Me: oh i thought you said it was all flimits
Cop: wtf are flimits
Me: idk let’s go look
Cop: ok
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I forgot the word boiling and just called it angry water, i have no idea how i graduated college
Goldfish 1: People are dumb. They actually think our memories only last for 3 seconds.
Goldfish 2: That is absolutely ridiculous.
Goldfish 1: What is absolutely ridiculous?
Wife: “Notice anything?”
Me: “Is it your hair, shoes, dress, eyelashes, mascara, lipstick, or nails?”
Wife: “You forgot to wear pants.”
“Subpar accommodations. One star.” – Oldest known TripAdvisor rating for Bethlehem.
I shoulda been an air conditioner cause all I do is vent.
“Is it in yet???”
-My ATM, mocking me.
[when my crystal pendant starts glowing eerily] hold on, i’d better take this
Me: He’s crowning!
King Charles: please don’t say it like that.
“Grapey.”
-me after every wine at the wine-tasting
Oh sure, a 3yo can get candy for not pooping their pants, but when I demand wine for successful defecation, I get sent home by HR.
For sale: car. Does not stop. You will have to jump in as I jump out. I have been driving this car for three years. Please help me
I was doing well on my diet until I got my period and had to eat four pieces of pizza, a block of cheese, two candy bars, and seven houses.
We could be like Romeo and Juliet. You go die and I’ll go to sleep.
I would like to give a big shout out to the one person in my life who doesn’t accuse me of being insane. So, thank you, to the little old lady who lives in my hair.
A good hack to make my house look clean and tidy in the evening is to turn all the lights off.
God I love corduroy pants. If only the fire department would allow me to wear them
They just discovered an Egyptian tomb filled with chocolate and hazelnut. They believe it’s the tomb of Pharaoh Rocher.
FRIEND: our kids are away with their grandparents so I’m taking my wife out tonight
ME: oh wow, like with an assassin or are you gonna do it yourself?
FRIEND: um, like…to dinner
ME: cool, cool
I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him
GOD, I hope he calls me.
My husband won’t let me pick up wood at Home Depot because he doesn’t want it scratched or bent but I can take care of his children daily.
“Can we stop for a second? I forgot everyone’s names again.” – me, if I was a character on Game of Thrones
Went to the car wash and asked for one of those Brazilian wax jobs everyone’s been talking about.
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
………GO TO HELL!!
business tip.
INSTEAD OF SAYING
“i work from home”: weak, lazy, does not sound productiveSAY
“i practically live at the office”: a real go-getter, dedicated to the grind, a worker bee
God: You finish all 11 commandments?
Moses: About the 11th one…
God: What?
Moses: Check yourself before you wreck yourself?
God: Fine, 10.
Canadian: spell colour
American: no u spell color
Canadian: u
American: no u
No matter how lazy you feel, just remember that Goldilocks decided to take a nap during a b&e.
no refunds
Answers phone, makes modem noises…