In store checkout behind beautiful woman in sleek black dress. She’s buying tequila and a quart of motor oil.
Sure like to know that story
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Me: “Wanna see something cool?”
*places piping hot bowl of soup into refrigerator
Everyone said the hamster catapult wasn’t appropriate for the science fair but no one could stop watching.
Coffee cause nowadays there’s just too many cameras in the world to get away with anything.
You’d think Bowser would start locking the front door of his castle after the first time Mario just walked right in like he owned the joint.
9 applied hot sauce to his cheek to cure sunburn.
*crumples up applications to Yale, UCLA, community college
accurate
My husband got a notification that “there’s a familiar face” at the door.
It was the Amazon delivery guy, y’all.
Caller: Emergency Sevices? I’m on fire.
Me: That’s great, keep up the good work.
In the middle of an argument, begin calmly folding a blanket if you want the other person to go truly ballistic
Time to play a new game I just made up called “disgusting phrases,” I’ll go first:
“spicy wet cheese”
most villains can be defeeted with a simple bone saw.
the concept of santa actually pisses me off a lot. i work hard all year to buy my kids presents, but all the credit goes to some fat old guy who squeezes down my chimney, eats my food, makes out with my wife, and disappears. this is bullshit
“I want to feel like chewbaca, but only from the shins down.”
-women wearing uggs
Taylor Swift is a psyop designed to get my wife to hum little tunes here and there
“please feel free to ignore this email” way ahead of you buddy
I enjoy the outdoors when it stays outdoors.
Martin Shkreli is in jail.
Sorry. No point to make. I just like that sentence.
I answer my front door in my coat, if it’s someone I want to see I say I’ve just got in and if it’s someone I really don’t want to see I say I was just on my way out, works every time.
Guy behind me in line with an Icehouse tallboy asks if he can cut me in line bc he’s in a rush. I said sure np then walk outside after and see him posted up on the side of Walgreens drinking his Icehouse. I go “Big rush huh” and he says “Yeah, I was in a rush to start drinking.”
Freak your cat out by running in the room, stopping abruptly to lick yourself and then running back out again.
People in horror movies be like “this weapon just saved my life, I’m gonna toss it aside now”
Used ACME paint on an accent wall and now there’s a highway running through my living room.
One of the hardest things I’ve ever done as a parent is hold back crying laughter while telling my kid not to refer to Aquaman as Seaman.
The fridge beeped at my 5yo because he left the door open too long deciding what to eat, and he yelled back IT’S AN EMERGENCY OK
going to casually drop this here so everyone can worry with me
Photographer: Ok, let’s get a good natural smile. Relax and just let it happen.
Me:
There’s no need to panic; Taco Bell is offering free gas with every meal
I’m sorry but divorce stories aren’t specific enough. If I sat through 3 slideshows of your wedding shoes I want details. How long did he let that saucepan “soak”.
Me: am I pretty?
Cat: I mean compared to what?
Me: never mind
I forgot how to panic. Help