How many pans of brownies eaten gets me the Girl Scout badge for gluttony?
You Might Also Like
Just heard the phrase naturally boneless chicken and that’ll keep me awake tonight.
Me: my boyfriend said that he doesn’t love me anymore
Boyfriend: that’s not what I said! I said that I have to work and I can’t give you attention 24/7
Me: same thing
Thoughts and prayers for this lady who tried to make her purse lighter by throwing out a couple of visiting cards.
First date idea: you, me, and a blanket
under the stars. We slap the shit out of each other but it’s sweet because of all the mosquitoes
I lost my dad with a cart full of ginger ale and sweet potato chips at a grocery store and found him arguing about focaccia bread with a manager in case you were wondering how white my parents are.
Giving me a Milkbone after sex does not make it doggy style
Randomly covering one eye for long periods of time so people think I’m part of that cult
“Whats the deal with all this airline food?”
-Sharks in Malaysia
cause baby now we’ve got
baaathtubs
you know we soaking in
maaad suds
so take a loofah for
baaack scrubs
cause baby now we baaathtubs [hey!]
Non-believers of Earth being a sphere presumably flatly deny all the evidence.
Let’s play a game. You go hide. And I’ll go take a nap.
“My homework ate my dog” -student in python breeding class
I haven’t bought my kids gingerbread houses since the year they turned them into crime scenes with chalk outlines.
Polar Bear: AHHHHHHHH.
God: please stop screaming.
Polar Bear: but I’m a ghost bear!
God: you aren’t a ghost bear.
Polar Bear: are you sure?
God: that’s just how you look.
Polar Bear: oh. ok.
[Swan flies by]
God: AHHHHH GHOST DUCK!
{1st date}
HER:What’s your favorite Disney movie?ME: *Worried this is a ploy to get me to share my pasta* NOT Lady & the Tramp.
When I go to the movies alone, I take a clipboard so everyone thinks I’m a professional movie reviewer and not an awkward friendless loner.
*at confessional
Priest: ‘Wait. Didn’t I forgive you for that last week?’
Me: ‘Please don’t make this any harder than it has to be.’
ME: *to friend* you’re dumb as a box of rocks lol
BOX OF ROCKS: *putting finishing touches on his astrophysics thesis* dude
“Dunkin’ donuts drinks have too many calories” ok stop. You are fundamentally missing the point of going to Dunkin’ Donuts
Groom: Dude, the invitation was for Gandalf the Grey.
Gandalf: Oh, it’s Gandalf the White now.
Bride: [fuming]
Gandalf: [looks fabulous]
🎶 Hummus a tune you’re the falafel man 🎶
Hey yea man, send me that YouTube link. I’m definitely gonna watch it and not just default send back “lol” after a few minutes.
[first date]
HER: i’m really into astronomy
ME: [revealing my secret stash of Milky Ways] you don’t say
I had to grease a lot of palms to get to where I am today
*cut to me oiling up tropical trees*
haha excellent
RIP cat who thought sunglasses would stop Medusa
Girl: Do you have protection?
Me: Um like a sword?
ON VOUS MENT !!! #NousSachons
NEW ROOMMATE: What’s mine is yours.
[30 seconds later]
NEW ROOMMATE: I need my wheelchair back.
‘A confident swipe of the debit card’ is my favorite fantasy.
Best part about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re making a point so people know shit’s about to get real.