Being an adult is bullshit. Babies get praised for being able to hold their heads up on their own like bravo your neck works, stupid baby
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“I’s up here!” – Popeye calling down from the crow’s nest.
Note to self: always read the final line
[Courtroom]
Judge: One more word & I’ll hold you in contempt!
Me: Yes! *jumps on his lap & throws arms around him* This is nice.
If I ever faint in front of you, don’t panic. Just open the bag of Doritos in my purse and wave it under my nose.
The “you’ve hit the maximum limit for direct messages in a single day” pop-up alert — but for work emails.
If you wanna win a battle in the Middle Ages best be sure someone’s playing the bagpipes.
*from upstairs* HONEY…WHERE ARE MY BUSINESS PYJAMAS??
I snuggle with my sweetie boo and seductively ask, “Would you still think I’m cuddly without skin?”
Somebody in my gang is an undercover police horse. I’ve narrowed it down to Dave, Kyle and Sugarcube
I really hate to get religious on here, but have you seen the thigh gap on Jesus. DAYUM!
*Pizza Hut job interview*
“Do you own a shitty car and smoke pot?”
No sir.
“You will.”
My “Pi” tattoo is taking longer than I thought
If I had a nickel for every time I got confused, I’d be like “where’d this nickel come from?” and then there’d be another nickel and I’d think “what’s with the nickels?” leading to more nickels and confusion and eventually I’d be slowly crushed by nickels without ever knowing why
Her: Explain Twitter to me
Me: Know what sharks did to the Indianapolis’ crew when it sank?
H: Yes
Me: Much the same, just less compassion
[Lab]
Chief scientist:What the hell are you wearing?!
Me (Dressed as Liberace): I thought you said we’d be mapping the genome in sequins
-Sorry I was sick and missed your party.
-It’s next Saturday.
-Sorry I’m going to get sick and miss your party.
On autopsy, instead of pumping my stomach to determine what I’ve eaten in the past 24 hours, a coroner need only look down my cleavage.
Like that scene in ‘The Revenant’ where Leo is mauled by the bear but it’s just me at your wedding reception dancing with your grabby aunt.
The waiter here is SO sweet
bringing me 4 forks with my cake just in case I drop one.
Qsieowrrtpd
That’s me picking off pieces of quinoa from my iPad
My dog ate my work from home.
[Titantic sinks]
Jack: wanna share that door so I don’t die?
Rose: [door lock noise]
Exercise gives you energy but you need energy to exercise. Sounds like a pyramid scheme to me
It was that very moment when we realized our shared love for multipurpose utensils brought us together & that’s when the sporks flew.
I just ran a .003048K
THEM: What’s it called when you think about them all the time?
ME: Love.
T: What if it’s about murdering them all the time?
M: Also love.
ME: Oh, Sky Butler, help me in my hour of need.
GOD: I told you to stop calling me that.
ME: Okay, but I can’t find my keys.
RPGs are all “you don’t meet the level requirement to equip this” When in real life the only thing stopping me from wielding this halberd is an extremely agitated museum guide, and I’m pretty sure I can take him
Bread, a tale of tears
I had a loaf in my grocery cart when something heavy fell on it. At home, as I am removing it from the car I closed the trunk on it. Once I got it out of the trunk it immediately broke through its bag and fell to the driveway.
Incredibly it tasted amazing
Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to five, I can hit the nine-minute snooze three more times and only be five minutes late.