One of the most fastest seahorses was Landbiscuit
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Hell hath no fury like 2 parties who each think they have booked the conference room for the day.
Saw Little Women. Totally misleading title. They stayed normal-sized the whole time. 2 stars.
At this rate, I can’t wait to see what the holiday decorations look like.
Me: Waiter, there’s a duck in my soup
Waiter: That’s a pond, you’re at a park, I’m just here with my family, will you put some pants on?
WebMD on April Fools: You’re fine
Alfred: *placing pancakes in the shape of the Bat Signal* Here are your pancakes, Master W-
Bruce: They’re Batcakes Alfred. Say “Batcakes!”
My favorite drinks are coffee, whisky & ranch dressing.
I forgot the word “vibrate” so I said I’d set my phone to purr.
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself, and being tagged in a super unflattering photo.”
Shouting “shotgun” will get you the good seat but not when you’re boarding a plane.
If you wondered if I was on the naughty list this year, I should probably tell you that the best gift I got was a packing peanut.
Judge: Guilty
Me: Sayyoudidwhat.
Judge: What did you say?
Me: Judge? Did you just reverse my sentence?
*Stage dives into cheering jury*
To their credit, selfie sticks may be the only proof future archaeologists have to dispute the notion cameras grew directly out of our arms
Lmaooo I thought I bought silver wrapping paper why am I so bad at Christmas
me: *gets vaccinated*
friend: now u can come to my wedd-
me: *gets unvaccinated*
-Luca Brasi sleeps with the fishes.
-He has sex with fish?
-He’s dead.
-I’m not surprised. Having sex with fish doesn’t sound very safe.
Friend: Our backstories shape us, but don’t define us
Me: Like Spanx
Scientists say Spider-Man would not be able to climb vertical surfaces due to his size. It’s almost like someone made the whole thing up.
When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
Of all my body parts that could be throbbing, why is it always my sinuses
me: my christmas gift to you, dear children, is teaching you the magic of giving
my kids: are ALL the presents for you
me: yes, but they’re FROM you and I LOVE them
Son: Can we go to the beach?
Me: *dumps a bucket of sand down his shorts* There you go, bud.
The only thing longer than a minute left on the microwave is a minute on the treadmill.
I want to know what the cat was doing that made the animal control officer be like, you know what, I think this cat just destroyed an 8-ball.
I’m calling the cops.
My cat has taught me that an 80:20 ratio of sleep to physical activity is really the way to go
just a reminder that no matter what you’re going through, someone has it worse than you ❤️
I turn hot dog water into ice cubes for house guests I don’t like
ME *enters new password*
COMPUTER: Ok
M: Aren’t u going tell me it’s too weak?
C: I’ve seen your life & more criticism just seems unkind
Just saved a guy from drowning by
throwing him a CVS receipt as a lifeline.He also gets 25% off his next rescue.