Hugs not drugs. Except, yes drugs and why are you touching me?
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[First day, CSI]
Inspector: “Who did the chalk outlines?”
– “Me sir”
Inspector: “Did all the victims have jazz-hands?”
– “Sir. Yes sir”
me: what’s your favorite book
her: I love 1984
me: just pick one
Yeah but how many of you can say you’ve managed to get your head stuck in the strings of a piano
My toddler is practicing counting by dropping chocolate chips in my mouth and this is the kind of math I can get on board with
Of course being a child is terrible .. They don’t give you any money and then make you watch commercials the whole time
I am certain at least half of all curse words in history were created while someone without ninja skills was trying to work in the same room as a housefly.
the small child points to my head and chants, i want a balloon, i want a balloon, but changes her tune when i let my head float free
On a scale of 1 to ‘Maxi pad with wings’
How self-absorbed are you?
My job sucks but it pays the bills.
Too bad I can’t say the same things about my boyfriend.
[alternate universe]
Aladdin: 🎵 The Exact Same World🎵
[At the gym]
My body: WTF
Me: I know
Body: I thought we were done with this bullshit?
Me: No, this is how it is from now on.
Body: *charley horse*
Me: Well played, bitch… well played
Nintendo say they are protecting children from inappropriate language online by making their voice chat app so bad that nobody will use it
*first day of pilot school*
Teacher: It feels like you misheard the class description
Me: Why do you say that
The parrot on my shoulder: Why do you say that
I asked my daughter to make me a Pinterest board of what she’d like to redecorate her room and I just opened it up to see nothing but a bunch of pictures of people holding fistfuls of cash
Spoiler alert: Sometimes accountants are boring on purpose because we think it’s funny when we see people’s eyes glaze over.
I love rotting in bed. My vision board is just a picture of the grandparents in Willy Wonka
In time, the dust settled, and the dust took a job it hated and married someone it could barely tolerate
if dolly were in the holy bible she’d be in charge of parton the red seas.
Fun trick: Swap guacamole with wasabi, then watch.
me: I should probably wait to work out, I just ate
gym tour guide: how did you find the breakroom so fast
Cop: Save it for the JUDGE!
Crook:Ok
*crook wraps up last slice of pizza in foil*
Lawyer: it’s too bad the judge had to miss our pizza party
Y’all ever flex on vampires by just walking into people’s homes uninvited
Do not worry.
I will take your secrets to my grave.
But, oh, how crowded it will be in the coffin.
I’ve got a neighbor who’s really into morons. I should introduce her to you guys.
9: I want a little personal drone that I can fly in.
Me: That would be a plane.
9: No like a drone with the blades on top that I can get in.
Me: So, a helicopter then.
9: No no small like a drone.
Me: …..
Unless you’re turned on by a description of a homeless person under a bridge don’t ask me what I’m wearing.
shop assistant: do you need help?
me: yah but i’ll settle for finding the vodka aisle
Me: No, you hang up first
Pizza Hut: *click*
if I won an award my acceptance speech would just be a list of medications that I’m thankful for
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend.
Darkness: New phone, who dis?