Sorry, can’t. I took my bra off and threw it across the room an hour ago. There’s no coming back from that.
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I wonder how many mini Reese’s cups I can fit in each cheek before my facial recognition stops working?
Jennifer Aniston is always cast in the same role because she’s a victim of Rachel profiling.
boss: you’re fired. clean out your desk.
me, a janitor: look, am I fired or not?
Calling a movie “Psycho” ruins the surprise because you know there’s going to be a psycho in it. It should have been called “Normal, Maybe”
I’m from the 80’s. We ate cookies instead of deleting them.
Son: Mom, why are you always showing up at my school on chicken nugget day?
Me: *literally salivating* Here to see you, buddy.
If you scream at the library, everyone gives you funny looks.
If you scream on an airplane, everyone joins in.
I experienced this today. I decided I’m a genius. 😂
According to a new study, people who often trail off in the middle of a sentence are 30% more likely to
My friends are talking about going to a club after dinner and drinks and while I know the time goes back tonight I didn’t realize it was going back to 2004
my wife said she was trash, so i said that must make me an opossum, and i think we just renewed our vows
On the 9th day of Christmas my true love sent to me 9 ladies dancing, 8 maids a-milking, 7 swans a-swimming, 6 geese a-laying, 5 GOLD RINGS, 4 calling birds, 3 French hens, 2 turtle doves & a partridge in a pear tree
Hope the dancing hasn’t made the ladies hungry; birds all eaten
My 12 wakes up, showers, changes into another pair of PJ’s and starts playing PS4. He has no idea how jealous I am.
date: I like it when guys know what they want in life
me: *megaphone right in her face* ham
Joggers are going to be really pissed if it turns out we only get a certain amount of steps in life.
HER: where were u last nite
ME: *turns on airplane mode*
HER: did u just say *turns on airplane mode*???
I’m sorry for all the traffic today in Los Angeles. I went outside in tiny shorts
14 y.o.: OMG MOM!!!! Are you okay?!?! Do you need some water? Are you having a heart attack? Why does your face look like that?
⠀
Me: I’m not having a heart attack, I just ran for five minutes.
Splinter: ok I’ve made some coloured disguises for you all
Donatello: to protect our identities?
Splinter: exactly Raphael
Michaelangelo: lol he’s not Raphael
Splinter: sorry you’re right Leonardo
Raphael: master, that’s not-
Splinter: just put them on please
Avoid unwanted pregnancies by using the “pull out” method where you pull out an acoustic guitar at a party & no one will have sex with you.
Unless:
-The house is on fire
-The cops are about to kick down the door
-Or you’re ordering foodDo NOT talk to me while I’m on the toilet
Schrödinger’s wife: Have you seen the cat?
Schrödinger: I have good news and bad news
Pinky toes do two things: nothing and break.
[dressed like Slave Leia]
Them: Haha ready for Halloween?
Me: Halloween?
Finally got my treadmill setup. I can start making excuses why I’m not using it starting tomorrow.
me logging onto twitter
People who say “go big or go home” seriously underestimate my willingness to go home. Like, it’s literally my only goal for most of the day.
Me to my boss: Hey I have to wfh today, I couldn’t answer the riddles three. Yep, they didn’t let me across the bridge. I’ll see you on Teams though.
My dog after a walk in the woods.
*Speed dating*
Me: “Do you say bless you when your dog sneezes?”
Him: “No.”
Me: “Next.”