[runs up to a group of people]
ME: ZACK ATTACK
GUY: lol is your name zack or—
[thousands of bros crest a nearby hill]
ME: [whispering] RUN
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wordle is optional. y’all complain so much, just wanted to remind you
GYM COMMERCIAL: sign up now with no commitment
ME: finally a program for me
Why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
I have two years left on my looks. Four if I work out.
So 2 years.
What idiot called it a picnic and not a blanquet?
WAITER: Your meal comes with three sides.
ME (imagining a delicious triangle): Excellent.
Me: this is almost as scary as the dmv haha
Dentist: haha yeah, my license is suspended
Me: oh, what do you drive?
Dentist: deep breath and count back from 3. drive?
He wants my carcasses apparently.
I think autocorrect won that round.
I scream “You haven’t seen the last of me!” & follow with maniacal laughter before slowly backing away.
The pharmacist smiles kindly.
Swimmer’s ear. Not sure what to do about it. The things you find in the pool filter.
[Being Tortured]
Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?
Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee
Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant
And that, Romeo, is why we usually try to take a pulse first.
Me: *closes Bible, takes long, hard look at neighbor’s ox*
My boss just choked on a breath mint. It was a tough decision to do the Heimlich maneuver because he really needed that mint.
I would offer to wisk you away on a forbidden, sin filled vacation, but I just paid for an airport mixed drink instead…
What’s the opposite of coffee?
Sneezy.
As Caesar dies on the Senate floor, ‘With or Without You’ starts to play. “U2, Brutus?” He sighs, coughing wearily as the world fades away.
My dog took his raw food upstairs and ate it in my bed. How’s your night going?
I guess my package was delivered by Disney animals
If the future is now, then how come the pizza I’m gonna order later isn’t here yet?
Dominos just called to let me know my pizza’s on the way. They correctly assumed I’d need time to find my pants.
I made the obviously poor decision to only eat half of my burrito and now the other half won’t stop staring at me
This video (reduced to a 17 second gif) created by British psychological professor Richard Wiseman demonstrates the power of perspective in creating illusions. It’s titled, “Assumptions”
Look lady, I’m sure your Onlyfans is nice but let’s wait until this funeral is over to talk about it.
TUPAC IS DEAD
BIGGIE IS DEAD
AND ME ALSO I AM FEELING NOT SO GOOD
[job interview]
“Name one of your strengths”
I didn’t stab anyone today
“That’s not-”
Yesterday wasn’t so good tho
me: *excitedly* this is my first time taking a train
conductor: *sprinting* GIVE IT BACK
Me: look at these colorful leaves, fall is so beautiful
Leaf: *cough* behold the desolation of my brothers *wheeze* death surrounds us all
Daughter steals my iPad so I left Google open on “too many kids” & “making it look accidental.” Found my iPad but haven’t seen her all day.
It’s almost bikini season! Do I need a licence or can I just shoot them as I see them?