Cop: You been drinking?
Me: No.
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards.
Me: Alphabet the.
Cop: Hilarious. Say each letter.
Me: Each letter.
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I hope the mysterious food thief at the office enjoys the dog food marinara and Jello with my toenail clippings I made for him/her.
Love this young dude soundtracking his Mum’s life with his trombone.
A coworker is being a jerk to me because I microwaved some seafood in the break room so to get back at them I’m going to microwave some seafood in the break room.
If you see something, say something.
My dog: i got this
ATTENTION MEN: STOP BUYING YOUR GIRLFRIEND FLOWERS AND PERFUME FOR VALENTINE’S DAY AND GET HER WHAT SHE REALLY WANTS. A SWORD
Patient: I think my problem is imposter syndrome.
Me: [sweating] I assure you I’m a fully licensed psychologist. Or psychiatrist. Which is the one that prescribes meds?
My wife must be the slowest reader ever.
I bought her a Kindle last Christmas and she still hasn’t finished it.
PARENTS: your teen may be worshipping Satan. Look for these terms:
LOL – Lucifer Our Lord
BRB – Burn Religious Books
TBH – Tell Beelzebub Hi
Some of us just had a bee in our shirt and we weren’t actually KungFu fighting.
Bride and groom: *exchanging rings*
Galadriel: but they were all of them deceived, for another ring was made…
The best thing about working at my office is that you can literally use as much toilet paper as you want in the restroom.
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
If my mother only knew the things I say on Twitter………. I’d be sitting in the corner with a bar of soap in my mouth and grounded.
Considering you can be anything you want on the internet,
it’s amazing how many choose to be stupid.
Him: can we just go back to how it used to be?
Her: awww. Like the day we met?
Him: No, before that.
Doctor: Your children are very healthy
Me: Good
Doctor: They’re getting bigger and stronger
Me: I know
Doctor: And they’re going to get even bigger and even stronger
Me: *trembling* I know
Imagine if spiders screamed at us when we found them.
Man: I love curvy women
Curvy Woman: has tummy rolls, thighs touch, cellulite
Man: no, not like that
Old Spice 14-in-1 body wash, shampoo, conditioner, face wash, moisturizer, toothpaste, super glue, mouth wash, shaving cream, caulk, aftershave, lube, energy drink, cream cheese
I can guarantee i’ll never be a criminal mastermind. Leaving about 237 strands of hair in every room I enter pretty much puts an end to that dream
Midwestern pride is suffering through cold morning temps in October without a coat because you don’t want to give Mother Nature the satisfaction and it will likely be summer again in the afternoon.
No one prepared me for getting hotter with age, yet here I am handling it.
I’m quitting modelling, I need more job security so I’m going to become a princess.
Whenever I take my kids to the zoo I think this is exactly where they belong.
Mechanic: Your car needs new brakes to pass inspection.
Me: Are you sure about that? *slides him a half used $10 Starbucks gift card*
Now that’s a Halloween costume! 🤩
What a cute baby, what’s her name?
“Ethel”
She’s gonna make a great grandmother
I know blood in horror movies is just corn syrup, but it’s still terrifying because at this point, that’s basically all my blood is
My new dentist was a former mortician apprentice.
He is different that he likes to bathe you before he does any dental work.