cdc: corona lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
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WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* oh no
WIFE (points at my google search for “spaghetti cake”): how in the world do you forget the word “lasagna”
{Being rescued after 2 years on a deserted island}
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME:
HER: So, how did yo-
ME: I don’t know how I gained weight.
Done with work today.
The work day isn’t over, I’m just done with it
If you’re wearing slippers in the car, the chances of your child needing you to run in somewhere increase by 500%.
The power steering went out in my car. Rather than fix it I’ve decided to get stronger.
Mars: I’m wet
NASA: I’m coming over
ME: I did it! I finished that project!
IMMUNE SYSTEM: good job!
ME: time for a nice break
IMMUNE SYSTEM: me too
ME: haha yeah
ME: wait
If your wife asks which friend would you like to have a threesome with, name her. Not two of her friends. Trust me guys.
Playdates were invented to force parents into cleaning their home.
Being illiterate and having a girlfriend would be easy. They’d be like “did you get my text?” and you could just be like “I can’t read.”
My mom just texted me to say that her dog killed 2 groundhogs in her backyard this morning so I think she may be doing Groundhog Day wrong.
I don’t know. “Your goose is cooked” seems like a positive. Like someone saying, “Hey, dinner’s ready. We’re having goose.”
Exposed Ashley Madison users feel hurt & betrayed, unsure if they can ever trust again.
[ER]
*covered in blood holding eyeball
Name?
Stacy
What’s wrong?
*nods to eyeball
Looking at the chart, rate your pain
I’m the winky face
You say tired, I say challenge.
-A toddler at bedtime.
👏GIVE 👏THE 👏OTHER 👏49 👏STATES 👏THEIR 👏OWN 👏CHAINSAW 👏MASSACRE 👏MOVIES
I’m not gullible enough to be lured into a cult but I am nosy enough
“Why buy expensive fireworks when you can make your own with ordinary household chemicals?” I said, and the other patients in the ER agreed.
How software testing works
airlines should have an option where you can book distances rather than just destinations. here’s 100 bucks, take me as far as that’ll get me. just drop me in the Atlantic ocean, I’ll figure it out.
Me: mmm daddy, all up in there
Priest: it’s “our father who art in heaven”
Three tips to stay young looking: drink water, wear sunscreen every day, remember every personal slight
Husband: How much Halloween candy should we get?
Me: We went through 2 pounds last year.
Husband: We didn’t have any trick-or-treaters last year.
Me: *death glare*
just got a JetBlue email saying i can fly the plane if i book now
Do Re Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me
– Kanye West warming up
Pro tip: If your full grown kid won’t move out just tell them their Christmas gift is in the driveway and lock the door when they go look.
*gives up being Catholic for Lent*
God: damn it… they’ve found the loophole
I’d be far more impressed with He-Man if he went all the way and got his doctorate of the universe.
Why would I spend $5 on a bag of apples at the store when I can wear warm fall clothes in 88° weather and pay $36 for our family to pick them ourselves.
People are asking me questions like they can’t see the FULL cup of coffee on my desk.