My 9 year old asked for a fog machine so no one can see her messy floor and now I’m pretty sure I’m raising a damned genius.
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Tell the barista your name is Beetlejuice and quietly walk out.
If I’m facing away from you during sex, assume I’m quietly enjoying a snack.
[rap battle]
[my opponent attempts to drop the mic, but I stealthily tied it to his finger so it just comes back up like a yo-yo]
ME: You have a beautiful home.
HER: I’m a bartender. You’re at a bar.
I don’t moan during sex, I prefer to yodel.
My kids got like 20 pounds of candy and that is so unhealthy so obviously I have to eat it all for their own good
why would tinder want me to say this
“I really like Eminem.”
” I prefer smarties.”
“No, the rapper.”
“Why would you eat the wrapper?”
#FridayVibes #RubbishJokes
It’s not a hangover. It’s wine flu.
Nothing freaks me out like trying to remember which brownies I packed in my son’s lunch box
peak technology
I wonder if tap dancers walk into a room, look at the floor and think, “I’d tap that.”
Kylo Ren: *high pitched voice* I love you Kylo Ren. You’re the best dark Jedi ever
General Hux: *walks in* Stop playing with Vader’s helmet
So I put one (1) ancient mummified corpse in a tub of water to see if it would rehydrate into a zombie, and now I’m some kind of weirdo? OK, whatever. Halloween is gonna suck this year, and that’s on you.
Piss someone off by calling their dojo a karate store.
Maybe it’s just me, but I know a few people that Cupid should shoot with a gun.
*surgeon opens cooler during transplant*
*cooler is full of Gatorade*
“Wait but this means…”
*cut to surgeon’s kids dumping kidney on coach*
inventor of grenades: *holding avocado* i wish this was louder
The only good thing about grinding your teeth at night is that every morning you can wake up and do a line of teeth off your pillow
Gate agent: we’re going to have to check your carry-on bag
Me: why, are there no overhead spaces left on the plane?
Gate agent: no, there are. we just don’t like you.
Senior: *Gets diploma* I’m glad all the cliquey high school stuff is behind me
Principal: *Laughs for the rest of the graduation ceremony*
Criminal Tip:
Buy a gun from a guy off the streets.
As soon as he sells it to you, point it at him & get your $$ back.
Free gun.
I saved a ton of money by eating all my groceries before getting to the register.
Before I had kids I was going to be an awesome mom.
My veterinarian asked a lot of personal questions. He was all like “Why do you want so much horse tranquilizer?” & “Do you even own horses?”
A moth flies into your face out of nowhere. You could ask him why he does that, but what would you do with the information?
A letter to Paul from the Corinthians: Hey sup Paul. This is the Corinthians. This is my new number
Can you imagine being a cat and having to do this NINE times?!
It’s gonna be a great beach day, and other mean things meteorologists say as I’m getting ready for work.
The woman at the table next to me has been whining and complaining about her boyfriend for the last 20 minutes.
I’m not even in the relationship and I’ve broken up with her 4 times in my mind.