1% battery…..
Because I like to live on the
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After years of intense research, I have come to the conclusion that dryer lint is actually the cremated remains of all my other socks.
Of course I can cook.
What kind of cereal would you like?
I was lying next to 4 and he looked into my eyes and stroked some hair off my face and my heart melted but then he stroked a bit harder and said “mummy I can’t rub the lines out your face”
God: you’re a mosquito.
Mosquito: what does that mean?
God: you feed on blood.
Mosquito: i’m a vampire?
God: no.
Mosquito: oh.
God: you can fly.
Mosquito: i’m a vampire!
God: no.
Mosquito: oh.
God: garlic repels you.
Mosquito: [happy gasp] i’m an itty-bitty vampire!
why isn’t he texting back
Whoever invented crustless pot pie clearly didn’t know why people eat pot pie.
I knew a guy who came so fast it traveled through time, like he’d squeeze one boob and the jizz splattered my mom in 1955
[forgetting the phrase “your honor”] not guilty, hammer daddy
[Jesus’ dating profile]
I love wine that’s made from water, taking long walks on the ocean and going to supper w my friends.
[repeating myself louder in the haunted house attraction] did the dracula throw water on anyone else’s pants??
Earth Day…
…another made up holiday by Big Galaxy just to sell more planets!
Got banned from another museum for trying to jump into the paintings.
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: *takes deep breath*
A man walked by me at the grocery store and said, “are you talking to the soup cans?” And I was like, “sorry, soup cans, I have to answer this idiot.”
You haven’t texted me since you went to bed. Are we ok??
Incase you didn’t hear the look I just gave you,
Shut up.
“Oh I would do anything for cash,
But I won’t do that”– my kids, Meat Loafing me when I ask them to do their chores
Google would like to use your current location. Allow/Deny? Allow
*100 Google employees throw a party at my house*
When I lift one of my dog’s muddy paws to clean it he acts like he’s gonna fall down. DOG YOU STILL GOT 3 LEGS. I ONLY GOT 2
I sure didn’t win the genetic lottery. I can eat healthy and diet for 6 months and lose 10 lbs. I eat like shit for 3 and a quarter days and gain 73
The fact that my AC suggests “church” after “I’m heading to…” suggests I have a dumb phone instead of a smart phone.
Maybe the guy yelling random words into the sky at the bus-stop isn’t crazy..
…maybe he’s just trying to figure out 2020’s safe word
What if I just start doing things that make me happy? Nahhhh can’t dispose of that many dead bodies.
a cute boy moved in next door and his bedroom window is across from mine, I hope this doesn’t turn into a coming of age film.
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because you were able to steal 12 of his hoodies.
Did You Know?
Humans swallow EIGHT spiders in their sleep every year! Also, I talked to the spiders, and apparently tonight’s the night.
My favorite thing right now is calling air pods ‘air buds’ in front of my daughter and her friends.
Guys, the server commented on my healthy appetite as she was clearing my plate. It’s okay to eat her too, right? I didn’t have breakfast.
Sorry the edible underwear weren’t edible anymore by the time you tried to eat them. It was a long drive to your apartment.
Darn, my 250 million years old salt has expired.