How come cats make the only sexy Halloween costumes? What’s wrong with a sexy llama or a sexy sloth or something?
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I’m ready to talk trash, okay who recycles?
Running out of time to be a Trophy Wife, so now just hoping to be an I Finished The Race Tshirt Wife.
Me: I need you to leave the house for the next 3-4 days
Hubs: What?! Why?
Me: It may or may not have to do with the amount of Amazon boxes that we will be receiving very soon
Welcome to your 40’s: the waitress is not hitting on you dude.
despite threatening a hummingbird this morning I really do love nature.
Me: *rolling up a dollar bill for my coke*
Date: holy shit you can’t do that in here
Me: but I can’t drink it without a straw
Boss: You’re
Me: Doing great?
B: No, I’m letting you
M: Have the corner office?
B: go.
M: Why?
B: Constantly completing my sentences wrong.
At a job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive
thinker.”“Give me an example”
“When do I start?”
Just told my husband we needed to end this year with a bang and now I’m regretting my choice of words.
kids play hide and seek like
….and you will know me by the trail of roaches l leave behind.
My favourite childhood memory is not paying bills
“This is the worst karaoke bar I’ve ever been in!”
– me whenever my wife sings while driving.
*Googles: pet raccoons
“Raccoons are wild animals. Keeping raccoons is ILLEGAL in…”
*scrolls
“What to Expect From Your Pet Raccoon!”
*clicks
I don’t understand why people climb mountains. I literally pay someone else to carry my groceries
Me in my 20’s: what’s a hangover?
Me in my 40’s: it was 1 drink, 3 weeks ago, when will this end?
I have decided to boycott the Plague due to its poor customer service.
*brings bucket of fried chicken in meeting*
*meeting starts*
*I eat each piece, crunching, licking my fingers*
*touches all the paper work*
me: “that sounds terrifying”
waitress:
me:
waitress: “what sounds terrifying?”
my wife: “he thinks you said ghost cheese not goats cheese”.
Want some raisins?
No thanks.
Want some raisins covered in dark chocolate?
Dammit, I’m in.
[dinosaur heist movie]
*the expert triceratops safecracker spends 40 minutes unsuccessfully trying to put his ears up to the safe*
8: [gives dog good morning kisses]
wife: the dog gets good morning but not me? I gave you life!
8: the dog’s cute
me: everybody run
I have a clear conscience until a police car pulls behind me. Then I’m like “OH GOD WHAT IF I MURDERED SOMEONE DID I MURDER SOMEONE”
MY GRANDMA: You need to get John more than 1 present this year.
MY DAD: Ugh fine.
[My Birthday]
DAD: Open this one.
ME: ITS A- shoe? It’s one shoe.
DAD: Now open this one.
Whenever u feel like ur not being productive, take a nap. You’ll wake up groggy & angry & have forgotten abt the whole “productivity” thing
My Brother-in-law taught my 2 year-old neice to say ‘yaaaas Queen’ and now it’s the only thing she says
Done your breakfast? “Yaaas queen”
Nap time? “Yaaas Queen”
Did you just poop your pants?
“YAAAAS QUEEN”
Me: welcome to my she shed
Gynecologist: please don’t call it that
[1st date]
Him: Wanna come back to my place for a bit?Me: I thought you’d never ask
Him: Oh, really? *winks*
Me: Yes, I need somewhere less crowded to summon the Dark Lord
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
There are many reasons relationships don’t work out.
DIstance should never be one of them.
You want them?
Go get them Xxx