[Divorce court]
Judge: The reason you’re divorcing is “he’s annoying?”
Wife: He pronounces “yikes” like “Nike”
J: Baliff, throw him in jail
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Ways To Win My Heart:
1) Be smoking hot
2) Be thin
3) Be a pig
4) Be bacon
“Take one pill on an empty stomach”
Me: What’s an empty stomach?
Are you a sane person, or did you just ask a mannequin for directions to another department?
me: wanna hear a joke about a guy who questions everything
her: sure
me: why
Sketch artist: Two criminals? You just described a vase to me
Me: Look at the negative space either side of it
Sketch artist: Holy shit…
6yo: I like my hair short and long. I want my hair to be short and long at the same time.
Me: *shows her a picture of a mullet*
6yo: Oh no.
One reason I love learning other languages is you find out there’s one culture that has a word for like, “the feeling you’re going to put someone else’s silverware away incorrectly and alcohol is a factor” and you get to wonder why that became necessary to express so concisely
*Types*
I have lumps on my head.
WebMD: Batman
Baby formula = dad x mom 🤨
*solves baby formula supply chain issues*
good morning, this is your captain speaking. my parents made sure that from a young age i understood that there are things worse than death.
That moment when you get introduced to a dog that has your kid’s name.
My Dad is walking around with a shirt with rows of corn on it, telling everyone it’s a crop top.
My favourite child is the one who just told me I’m so funny. Don’t know her name yet but she lives down the street.
nothing is certain but death, taxes, and that if anyone criticizes a billionaire online, a bunch of weird little freaks will emerge from the sewer and jump to his defense for some reason
Charcuterie is french for “I touched every single piece of this food, enjoy”.
Yoga isn’t as easy as you’d think a few drinks in…
Today I was seated next to lovely, glowing, first-time pregnant woman, who looked me in the face and told me her child will be a mellow introvert. I let her have the moment.
My dog loves to catch frisbees but she always loses them. My wife said she wondered where they go and I joked that coyotes are playing with them.
This morning we looked out to see a coyote on the edge of the woods, playing with one of the frisbees.
I can’t believe someone broke into my garage and stole my limbo stick. Like, seriously, how low can you go?
Evolution saved Big Bird from fitting in a mine.
an app that shows you who NOT to date called ok stupid
Never underestimate the power of a hug. Or a slap upside the head. Whatever works.
IT: I’m hanging up
Me: is it because I called it my lappy tappy
IT: *dial tone*
Rabbits who hang out in indie pet stores are hopsters.
PILOT OVER INTERCOM: alright folks, by a show of hands, who has ever made a small and understandable mistake?
A really effective car insurance ad would just show pics of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say: Because these girls have licenses.
A News Reporter just described someone as “Healthy as a Bus”.
Yeah….I don’t know either.
goals for 2020:
-read more books
-read more books about birds
-learn bird language
-respectfully ask bird that kidnapped my girlfriend to give her back
Everyone is unique.
Except you.
You are not unique.
You are the only not unique person in human history.
GF: Can I have some almonds?
Me: Sure I’m done with them.
GF: These are good!
Me: They were better when the chocolate was on them.